Infertility Squared

It's a boy!

2006-04-21T13:29:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted in so long.... I started a couple of posts and never ended up publishing them, but now I have some real news, so here it is:

Ethan Henry was born on March 26 at 10:19 pm. He weighed in at 6 lbs 5 oz (I make 'em small) and 19.5 inches long. The delivery went very well - I was only in active labor for about a half hour.

However, as with my first, the placenta did not want to leave my body. Unlike with my first, they took me to a proper OR and did a DNC on the spot instead of keeping me in the delivery room and cutting it out of me while I was fully conscious save for a dose of nubane (your basic narcotic - does nothing for the pain just gives you that lovely sensation of being on crack). Anyway, the procedure to remove my placenta with baby #1 resulted in Asherman's (scarring of the uterus) which wasn't detected until I switched to an RE for IVF after undergoing 9 IUIs. In a couple of weeks when I have my 6 week postpartum check, I will be sure to ask about when they can take a look to make sure that I am Ashermans-free ... AT this point I would say that I want a third, but I don't think I'll be willing to take the process as far as I did for this one (The Deuce as my husband calls him). Last time around I thought that there was no way in hell I would get pregnant on my own. This time I think it's more likely that I will simply because I would probably not be able to handle three and soembody in the universe enjoys messing with me.

At any rate, the new baby is such a good baby. I only wish I could say the same for his big brother, who is not having the easiest time adjusting to his dethroning. But it is getting slowly better.....

Having two definitely keeps me busier, or maybe I should say it forces me to stay on task more than I did before. Therefore I do not have a lot of computer time, but I will be here to keep track of people and send all of my best out to my friends here in blogland. I feel so fortunate to be in the situation I'm in now and wish there was something I could do to help people who are out there struggling through the crap. Please know that my thoughts are always with all of you, even if I'm not checking up as often as I would like.

MIA

2005-12-14T11:20:00.000-06:00

Long time no post.....

I've been keeping my distance from blogland for awhile now for various and sundry reasons. My grandpa passed away. My sister was pregnant and has miscarried (it was very long and drawn-out with inconclusive betas, and ultrasounds based on the fact that they weren't sure of date of conception...). We had 5 people staying with us over Thanksgiving. We had to buy faucets (sounds like a simple concept, I know, but it's really not). And now Christmas shopping is upon us. So the usual day-to-day has been in the way, but I'm also struggling with how much I will continue in this world of blogging. In terms of my own blog the pregnancy is going just fine and I really don't have a lot to write about. When I'm suffering from post-infertility-stress-disorder I think posting about it can be counterproductive for me, causing me to dwell on the negative more than I should.....

I think my biggest problem is that with things like blogging and reading and television-watching. I have a bad tendency to get sucked in, causing other parts of my life to suffer. Now if I were working, this probably wouldn't be a problem. As it is, I tend to neglect my son or husband or house or all of the above. Once I get started here, I just keep reading and reading. I get totally engrossed and before I know it an hour or two has passed and I've wasted away half my day.

So, I'm feeling guilty that I haven't been visiting my blogging friends as much as I should and that I am not taking the time to "meet" bloggers with whom I'm not familiar. And I feel guilty that I'm not making the time for it, but I don't know where to fit it in. I have a child who doesn't nap much and am feeling a bit disconnected from my husband and I'm also a bit of a lazy ass who likes to lay on the couch and watch TV. All of this leaves me with not enough time to spend catching up with folks. I am trying to peek at peoples' blogs, but the list I read regularly is limited, and seems to be growing smaller.

But I think of everyone often, and cheer when I read good news and cry when I read bad news, and then feel more guilt when I realize I've missed weeks of checking up. And there are just times when I can't bring myself to make the emotional journey which again adds to the mound of guilt I seem to pile on myself. When I read the disappointments that people encounter, I get very upset and feel survivor's guilt of a sort I guess, and there are times when I just can't make myself go there.

I only wish I was a more eloquent writer than I am. I know I'm not adequately expressing anything that I've attempted to say here. I guess what I want to say is that if you don't see me come around very often, it's not because I don't care and am just blissfully off rubbing my belly and decorating my nursery having forgotten what it took me to get here and the unfairness that so many others are still trudging through their respective hellish journeys. And it sounds selfish to say that I don't have the time or the emotional energy to invest right now, but I guess that is what it comes down to.

I will be around - not as often as I would like, but I'll be out there. And when I'm not there, know that I am thinking of you and hoping that the end of your journey is a happy and peaceful one. (Geeze. Now I sound like I'm dying or something.)

I should really go back and proof read this, but I know it will only make me crazy and not publish it, and then it will be another month before I write anything, so I'm just letting it go as it is.

At any rate - Merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone.
Take good care!

The circle of life....

2005-10-27T13:20:00.000-05:00

My Grandpa is dying. He will be 90 in February, so he's led a long, full life, but it's still hard for him to take despite the fact that I think there have been many days when he has felt ready. I think when it finally comes down to it, and somebody tells you you have 2-8 weeks to live it's hard to accept. He seems fine now, but his kidneys are failing and I think when they really start to fail, he will go downhill quickly. He is my last grandparent - I am so fortunate to be 35 years old and still have any living grandparents.....

And in other news, my sister is pregnant. I've written about her before and my insane worries about not wanting her to join the sisterhood of infertility for both all of the right and the wrong reasons. I'm happy they don't have to go through any more than they have. 2 months of clomid and sex isn't half bad. Going any further would have been very difficult financially for them, and they have a daughter who is already 3.5, so I think she was worried that the children would be farther apart in age than she would have liked.

That is it for this boring post. My mom and sister arrive tonight for a weekend of shopping and eating out. My husband leaves tomorrow for a week of mountain biking with his pals.

I want a vacation!

Stop the insanity

2005-10-21T18:05:00.000-05:00

Really. Please make it go away. Let my mind believe what my rational brain is telling it.

We are having friends over tonight. Specifically K's best friend from childhood and his wife. They have a little boy exactly a year younger than ours who is an IUI with injectables baby. She has always had irregular cycles and was 35 when they started trying, so jumped right into the game last time around and after 1 or 2 cancelled cycles got pregnant, thus making her one of the few real-life friends I have who has been through IF. So I was talking to her when I found out I was pregnant and saying that it kind of sucked to have to tell everybody in the world that we were pregnant the moment when we found out, when those very same people gave me their news at the standard 12 weeks. I told her how much it really hurt me even though I realized everybody had the right to divulge when they felt it was best. So about a month ago K was walking in the door talking on his phone, and as he signed off he said "Congratulations!" He got off the phone and I demanded to know who was pregnant - and lo and behold it was them. And not only were they pregnant, they were only two weeks behind us and were currently 12 weeks pregnant. So, my irrational insane self is really kind of upset with them - when she called to talk to me, she said that they found out a few days before we were going on our vacation and wanted to wait to tell us in person. Well by the time he finally told K over the phone it was a month after our 3 week vacation had ended. So I am hurt and pissed with a nice helping of jealousy thrown in because after she had her baby and stopped breast feeding her cycles came back nice and regularly so they did it the old fashioned way. It's been bugging me ever since and I'm writing about it now because they're coming to the house and I'm dreading it. WE haven't talked to the m a lot lately anyway, but it feels like since we found out their news, it's been even less frequent. So I am glad they are coming over, because it would be a really stupid reason to lose a best friend, but K and I both have a bitter taste in our mouths about it.

And on my second incidence of fertility related insanity, I find myself praying really really hard that my sister is pregnant. You may think "that's not insane. it's sisterly love." Here's where the insanity comes in - this is her 2nd month on clomid and sex. She was perscribed clomid because her cycles had become irregular and they weren't sure if she was ovulating or not (although she hadn't charted until about a month and a half ago, so it's hard to say). This bothers me for two reasons - 1. I'm relatively certain she'll get pregnant with twins as I wrote about in a previous post and 2. It occurs to me that she is now part of the infertile statistic. This bugs me becuase you see that statistic and think that all of these people have gone through what you've gone through when in her case (if she does get pregnant after 2 months of clomid and sex) she has gone through nothing close to what a true infertile's experience with IF is. And (here's where I get good and insane) I don't want her to share infertility with me. Partly for the right reason that I really don't wish this experience upon anyone, but also because it is my issue. I don't know why I am selfishly guarding the infertility experience and not wanting to share the glamorous limelight of it all. I just can't figure out why I want it to only be my cross to bear. But I do know that I want her to get pregnant right away so that she is not a part of the club.

Yes. I am certifiable. And I want it to go away.

I have what I have tried so hard for. I have what so many people have tried and are still trying so hard and harder for. I should only be grateful. Instead I am just plain out of my gourd.

Sorry for the once again pissing and moaning post from the lucky infertile who cannot quite come to terms with things and deal with this whole thing in a manner that is even close to resembling graceful or brave or heroic. I just suck.

Episode 2

2005-09-30T22:30:00.000-05:00

I'm a loser. It's 10:30 on a Friday night and I'm typing a post about a stupid TV show.

This episode didn't bug me as much as the last one. I still think the show will fail because the story lines can be a bit confusing if you miss anything. (I missed the first 20 minutes of episode 1 and haven't quite figured out what the law suit was about.) And I would think if you know nothing about IF, you could get even more lost and probably wouldn't give a rip in the first place unless you know somebody who is going through it, but even then I can't say that people will be that interested.

I still don't get exactly why the chick swapped out the sperm sample other than the fact she was pissed at the doctor. Did she intentionally choose the pastor for a reason? Is her hope to then destroy his career while she destroys someone's life? And it wasn't very nice or sensitive for the doctor to threaten the couple who was suing them by saying that their failed sex life would be flaunted all over the court room. Thanks for the reminder to all of us infertiles that we have failed sex lives. Appreciate it.

I find Angie Harmon supremely annoying. I don't know if it's the actual character she plays, or because she's always doing shoots for magazines when she's seven months pregnant and looks like she's in her first trimester if pregnant at all. then last night she's on the Tonight Show in a slinky dress all proud of her skinny-ass self. bleh.

Alfre Woodard (sp?) sure made the right choice. Best to get killed off by a BMW with no air bag on Inconceivable before it gets cancelled and move onto the sure thing that is Desperate Housewives.

Head is full of mucus (i don't htink that's spelled right either - I have a terrible cold which isn't allowing me to think very well as it has moved into my brain) so I was watching the show in kind of a blur. Maybe that's why I feel fairly emotionless about it. (Although of course the last 3 minutes of Three Wishes made me cry like a baby. I hate things like that. Not that I hate that they're doing wonderful things for people who deserve it. I'm just such a sap, something like that can just destroy me.)

OK. Done rambling. gotta go find some more crappy TV to watch while my husband is on an airplane where he can't chastise me for having bad taste in TV.

Going insane

2005-09-28T20:39:00.000-05:00

(for the 1.5 people who read my blog, this one will mostly be about my toddler, so if you're not in the mood to read about other people's children, feel free to move on. I'm just in such a state right now I need to get it out.)

My husband is out of town. And I think my 2.5 year old can sense this. He is making me even crazier than I already am. I am at my wit's end. He has napped one day this week. This kid still needs his nap. He has always gone to bed very well, but lately he wants each story read at least 3 times. He insists on being put down in our bed (when we go to bed, we then carry him into his room so that's not the end of the world, but I still think it's a bad habit for him to be in). He comes down about 57 times because he's afraid of monsters (bullshit. the kid fears nothing.) or wants me to find his pink color, or he's lost this that or the other thing. He also plays this stupid game where anytime it's time to do anything - change a diaper, get ready to leave, go upstairs, he thinks it's hysterical to run around like a mad man laughing so that I'll chase him.

I literally don't know what to do. My biggest fear in life is that I will have a bratty child. I try so hard to be consistent and everything else I learn about good parenting, but he tests and tests and tests and tests and invariably I end up screaming at him and running out of the room. I hate to say this, but I understand why people hit their kids.

And he's not all bad. He can be the sweetest kid in the world. He's so funny and so empathetic, and so creative. But then he turns a switch and he's just a monster.

I have gotten myself so worked up tonight that my stomach hurts and I'm worried something's going to happen to the baby.

I really need to spend some time by myself. I really wish I could have a drink right now. I really wish my bathroom remodel was done so I could take a (not too hot) whirlpool.

Now I'm going to go lose myself in the wonderful world of television.

How many people....

2005-09-24T11:54:00.000-05:00

....go into your RE's office to meet with your RE to find out beta results?

....after having gone through countless failed cycles get a good feeling that "this is the one" so you buy a stuffed animal for the baby you may or may not be pregnant with before you go meet with your RE who is going to tell you the results of your beta?

....have dropped off a sperm sample that stays in the incubator (with about 20 other samples) overnight?

....have collected a sperm sample by giving your partner a blowjob and spitting the whole shooting match into the specimen container. (granted, in her situation desperate times called for desperate measures apparently) (and you know damn well that specimen will go on to produce at least a singleton after soaking in saliva overnight.)

....have seen one of said sterile specimen containers filled close to halfway with semen?

....watched "inconceivable" last night and had their worst fears about the show confirmed?

I missed the first 20 minutes, so I was kind of lost on a couple of the story lines, so maybe if I would have seen if from the beginning I would have thought it was fantastic. But somehow I doubt it. Here's hoping for early cancellation.

Bon Jovi

2005-09-23T08:51:00.000-05:00

Why is Bon Jovi everywhere this week? They were on Oprah a couple of days ago and now they're playing a concert on the Today show. Maybe they have a new album? But I don't think so because they're playing old songs - Tommy and Gina working on the docks and in the diner, the whole nine yards. I mean I don't have anything against Bon Jovi - they're certainly a part of the soundtrack of my life and all. (Not enough so that I would put them on a mix tape or anything, but nonetheless I hear their songs and certain memories are conjured up.) But why?????? Jon Bon Jovi has cheesy hair. I wish he would just get a hairstyle that is just wash and go. They did give Oprah 1 million for the Angel network and Katrina relief.

I'll probably update later today. I'm scheduled for an ultrasound to take a look at my placenta and cervix. I started bleeding once again night before last, so they're trying to figure out where it's coming from.

It's my life. It's now or never. I ain't gonna live forever. I've just gotta live while I'm alive. It's. My. Life.

Sorry. I'm just caught up in a Bon Jovi moment.

I'm back. Ultrasound today went fine. The tech saw a little something at the tip of the placenta that may be causing the bleeding. I talked to my neighbor who is an OB and she said from the sounds of it it's something that's not a big deal. So I'm hoping that they found a something that is not a big deal. Baby is measuring where it's supposed to (I keep wanting to call it a he...) and hearbeat is strong, so everything still looks good.

Hopefully the drama in this pregnancy is coming to a close!

a weekend in the woods

2005-09-19T09:34:00.000-05:00

is always a good thing. We were up in northern Wisconsin for a mountain bike race this weekend. It was, for the most part, lovely. My husband hurt his back during the race and I took out the passenger side mirror on his truck so he was in a pissy mood which put a damper on things, but otherwise it was a lovely time.

We were up there with friends who are pregnant and expecting a baby in February. She was talking about how her husband wants a boy (they have a little girl together and he has a boy from a previous marriage). So they followed some something to ensure they would have a boy. Like having sex on day 14. COME ON!!!!!!!!!! Day 14 is going to give you a boy?? What if you had already ovulated???? what if you don't ovulate until day 18????? I'm kind of hoping they'll have a girl just because. And then she is talking about how after she goes running, she is a bit sore and she thinks it's because she's carrying lower because it's a boy. ugh. You know damn well it will be a boy just so that for the rest of her life she can talk about how they did the deed on day 14 just like the recipe said yada yada yada. (My mom actually used some "recipe" after having 2 girls and ended up with my brother.)

I appear to have stopped bleeding. But because I said that, I'm sure it will start up again any time now.

my other favorite reality show

2005-09-13T21:14:00.000-05:00

(in addition to Average Joe) is The Biggest Loser.

It makes me want to throw away the 2 bags of M&M's and the bag of gum drops in my house. I haven't actually done it yet, but I might. Ahhh the inspiration of it all.

Love that show!

Today I laminated the pink construction paper kite with black designs (I cut the kite out, he illustrated it) that my son has been hauling around with him (including to bed) for the past several days. Now I don't have to "fix it!" every two minutes because it's so wrinkly from being slept with and carried everywhere. Who says being a stay-at-home-mom isn't challening? Who says it turns your brain to mush?

Still spotting along.

Enough already!!!

2005-09-11T13:28:00.000-05:00

Every time I have a reassuring Dr's appointment and tell several people about it, my body has to do just a little something to remind me not to get too complacent...... Friday was my appt where I found out all was well according to the nuchal fold test. Told various and sundry people that all looked to be well and the next day I started bleeding again. Not heavy, but the bright red stuff.

I had finally stopped bleeding (for the most part, some brown stuff, but have had probably 2 days without needing a panty liner) from the first go-around that started on August 2nd when I miscarried the second embryo that was transferred or passed whatever other fist-sized clot-like substance that happened to be hanging out in my uterus.

This morning my idiot husband was like "why are you so crabby?" Um, because I've been bleeding for a fucking month and a half???? I don't know. I think that has something to do with it. And it's not just blood that comes with no strings attached. (is there such thing? not since the days when you didn't want to get pregnant.) It's the kind that makes you nervous as hell.

I didn't call the doctor last night - I just was too tired to deal with it, and it wasn't terribly heavy, and there was no cramping. Today it's stopped for the most part, but my paranoia has not. I think I'll call in tomorrow.

I wish I was one of those people who found house cleaning therapeutic because my house could use a good therapeutic cleaning right now and I could use some good therapy.

Test results and boredom.....

2005-09-10T09:09:00.000-05:00

Went to the genetic counselor to get the results of the nuchal fold test yesterday. They give you the average for your age - in my case "old", I mean 35, then they tell you where your actual numbers fall on the age group chart. My risk for down's is that of a 26 year old, and for trisomy 18/13 is that of a 20 year old. Such a young person's pregnancy I have! Unfortunately, that isn't my reproductive age - meaning if I want another baby when I'm 37, my risk won't necessarily be that of a 28 year old and a 22 year old. It will differ with every pregnancy. But it's nice to know things look good with this one!

I called in to the Katrina concert last night. I did not get to talk to a movie star. That's not the reason I donated obviously, but I always kind of hope I'll get a famous person when I call into those things, and haven't talked to anybody famous yet. Unless maybe the Leonard I talked to last night was Leonard Maltin (is he a movie review guy on ET?)........ What do you think the famous people do when they answer the phone anyway? Say "This is your lucky night! You've got Jack Nicholson on the line!" or do people have to make an ass out of themselves and say "Oh my god! Is this Leonard Maltin!!????" (No. I didn't do that. I'm not sure I know who Leonard Maltin is anyway. For all I know he's just some guy I went to elementary school with, and just because I vaguely recognize the name I think he's famous...)

So now it's Saturday. I normally hate Saturdays because my husband works and every other living human is spending quality time with their families, so I can't even call people and chat or have play dates (with other toddlers!) Today should be worse than usual, because I am coming off of two of the most boring fricking days of my life. Literally nobody has been home to talk to me. My sister who has been a staple all summer long has gone back to teaching. (Damn her for putting her need to work over my concerns about boredom! Although a couple of weeks from now when she finds out she's pregnant with twins, I'll be looking for excuses not to talk to her...) And my mom has been on vacation. Granted, conversations with her tend to center around what quilts she's working on, and how many cards she stamped last night, but sometimes a girl gets desperate and even that is better than nothing. Even my Grandpa wasn't home for God's sake! So today K left for work at 6:45, and has to judge some biking film festival until 7 pm tonight.

I know. I am extremely fortunate that this is my biggest complaint in life.

Here is my question for the day. Who is more annoying? Somebody who is naturally thin and can eat whatever they want or somebody who is fastiduous about their weight?

I think the person who works at it is. Those types make you feel guilty for not being able to have the same kind of self control.

That's all. A boring post from a bored person.

how frickin' hard is it...

2005-09-08T11:31:00.000-05:00

...to be a stay at home mom? Probably as hard as you make it, and since I'm the queen of making things difficult for myself it's real real hard. I've never bought into the theory that being a stay-at-home mom is equivalent to having 2 full time jobs - I just don't think it is. Maybe that's because I'm a total slacker when it comes to this profession. I didn't sign up for ECFE (Early Childhood Familiy Ed) classes on time, so the class I wanted to take (Super Nanny - I need all the help I can get) is closed. So I thought I'd just sign the tyke up for swimming lessons - screwed there too. Why did I not sign up 2 months ago when I first got the stuff and decided which class I wanted to sign up for? Because I'm a complete dumbass. That's why. And so here I sit being pissed off at myself, and are any of my friends home? NO. And have I found someone to watch my child tomorrow when we meet with the genetic counselor to find out if the results from the nuchal fold test were normal? NO.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

On a lighter note - did anyone see the footage of Richard Simmons finding his brother after Katrina? The poor man was sleeping and was woken when a sobbing Richard Simmons jumped on him in his itty bitty striped shorts and red tank with rhinestone hearts. My god - to go from the trauma of Katrina only to be woken from slumber by that - yikes! I'm just glad it was a hurricane and not a blizzzard - I don't know how well those little shorts would hold up to blizzard conditions.

Target - it cures what ails you...

2005-09-03T12:03:00.000-05:00

Feeling fat? Not to worry - you can find Mike & Ike's, Whoppers, and Twizzlers at Target.

Feeling sorry for yourself because you can't fit into your normal clothes, but don't have any sassy summer maternity clothes? OK. Maybe I didn't get sassy, but I got some t-shirts that should cover my belly (it's not the bulging belly that bothers me so much as the ever-present layer of fat) and a pair of capris that may or may not fit over my chunky cellulite thighs.

Have a tendency to have a giant surplus of some items in your house (shampoo and razors for instance)? You can always find good deals that you can't pass up, so you can add to your stock piles.

Oh. And you can also buy stuff you actually need there.

Today I am having issues with my thighs. They are fat, white, and cellulitey. I guess that's what happens when you get gigantic ovaries and can't exercise after pumping copious amounts of hormones in your body and overeating as a response to 99% of your emotions. As a general rule it bugs me a little bit but not too terribly much. Today is another story all together. Today we head to the in-laws where I will see skinny pregnant SIL and it will be 90 degrees tomorrow. My tankini with the sassy (or so I tell myself) skirt is starting to be a bit snug in the belly. Enter the maternity tankini. Cute, BUT it has no skirt, leaving my god awful jiggly thighs exposed for the world to see. The fact that my 11.5 week belly is bigger than my late-20 or early 30 weeks along SIL doesn't bother me (in fact I think she's too small thank you very much) but the legs. Oh the legs. I have very muscular legs. Looks cool and tough when I'm in some semblance of shape. But when I start to gather fat, the muscle doesn't go away, which results in the fat looking worse somehow -it's all bulgy.

OK. Enough. Screw my thighs. They are what they are and it's not entirely my fault they got to be that way.

In other news (the kind that actually matters) the baby is doing well. We went for a level 2 ultrasound yesterday for a nuchal fold test. It was very cool seeing these little arms and hands waving around. But a bit unnerving as we don't talk to the genetic counselor until next Friday and you know damn well that the ultrasound lady knew whether or not things looked OK, but she didn't say anything and I didn't even bother asking because I knew she wouldn't say anything. My next appointment is on the 22nd.

I can't believe what is happening in New Orleans. How can we not get water to people in our own fricking county????????? Hopefully somebody will be held accountable for making an existing mess so much worse.

That is all for my random post. Off for the long weekend this evening, back on Tuesday.

Hope everybody enjoys the last weekend of summer!

the scars they run deep...

2005-08-26T10:42:00.000-05:00

I've debated whether to even post this here, because I know how irrational and really assinine these thoughts are, but what the hell? My visitors have gone from few to almost none and it is my blog after all.... If what I say here is offensive to anyone I do apologize, but it's just what I'm thinking about and is not something I can voice to most people because as I said, I completely understand that what I am feeling is utterly ridiculous and I wouldn't want to see the look of horror in someone's eyes if I actually uttered this out loud.

Some background - my little sister has a daughter who is a year older than my son. She got pregnant with her "on accident" (they were off the pill for some reason and had one night of "if it happens it happens" sex and lo and behold...) when I was about a year and a half into my first bout with IF. Let me tell you, it sucked. It was very hard to be happy for her as it is when anybody gets pregnant and you're infertile, and it was compounded by the fact that I was the oldest and I was supposed to have the first grandchild. Yadda yadda yadda. We've all been there. So I'm way over that now and love my neice to death obviously. But yesterday I get a call from her - she went off the pill a few months ago, and has not been ovulating since. So last month they put her on progesterone to try to get things rolling, this month at day 16 she still hadn't ovulated, so they have perscribed progesterone, estrogen, and then clomid.

Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! Not clomid!!!!!!!! Because I know damn well that she will get pregnant with twins her first month with clomid and sex. It's just the next big laugh the universe has planned for me. "Heee heee. Tania really wanted twins so she could just have her lovely family of 3 children and not have to worry about going through IF treatments a third time when she'll be at least 37. Here's a good one - we'll give a set to her little sister instead. Ba ha ha ha ha!"

So I called my husband and here is a brief summary of our conversation:
T: Guess what? M is going on clomid!!!
K: Let me guess. You're worried she's going to have twins.
T: Can you believe it!?
K: Don't you think you're being irrational and overly dramatic?
T: I knew you wouldn't understand.
K: Please tell me you didn't say anything to her.
T: Of course not!
Yup. even my husband thinks I'm a psychopath. And the logical rational part of my brain knows I am. I should be only happy because I am pregnant with my second child and there are people out there who cannot even get pregnant with their first. But the little irrational voice is alive and well inside of me. It's like my first pregnancy when I found out the SIL was pregnant. Even though I was pregnant I was extremely upset (but at least I didn't have a nervous breakdown like I would have if I wasn't pregnant) because what took me 2.5 years and 7 IUIs took her one lovely night of sex.

The unfairness of infertility is alive and well inside of me, and I think I need to suck it up, grow up and get over it but I'm having a hell of a time with it.

Once again, I apologize if you have read this and are offended, because I understand it is completley offensive to all of those of you who are still struggling. And I understand that I am truly one of the lucky unlucky ones.

Prepartum depression anyone?

Still pregnant... and some completely random thoughts

2005-08-22T18:02:00.000-05:00

The ultrasound today went well. The baby is measuring where it's supposed to be and its heart is beating away. And as my doctor says, it looks more like a person and less like a cashew now. He thinks everything should be fine from here on out and has released me to standard prenatal care, although he recommends I see an OB and not a midwife like I did with my last pregnancy.
I will miss him. I guess there's always go around #3 if I decide I have the strength to make it that far...

And now for a couple of completely random thoughts based on my recent experience:

Has anyone ever told you something along the lines that there is a little soul out there just waiting for you who will find you when the time is right? After I had what I thought was a miscarriage (and I suppose could have indeed been a miscarriage of a 2nd baby although I'll never know) I decided that that was BS. Because what happens if you miscarry? The little soul decides after it has gotten to know you a bit to cut and run because you're too freaky and not really what it had in mind when seeking parents? Or does it just decide that it will hang out with you as a little guardian angel soul instead of becoming a person? And, to be quite honest with you, I just can't bear to think that what came out of me and I flushed down the toilet had a soul. Because it didn't look like it had a soul, and I would feel even crappier than I already do about not digging it out of a gas station toilet if it did. Once a long time ago when somebody said that to me I thought it was kind of sweet, but now I've officially decided the soul comes later as the pregnancy progresses and it gets to know you and long after it has come into the world and continues to learn. Don't we all hope that our souls continue to grow and expand and change?

And to end on a lighter note - if you ever have to send anyone to the store to buy pads for you, keep in mind that there are many many different variations. If you're not into the diaper feeling, make sure to specify thin, and don't go assuming that all pads have wings, because they just don't (is there really anybody out there who doesn't want wings?) , and if you are not a size 14 or above, make sure to check the packaging, because they make pads specifically for bigger girls. I'm sure that that is an invention a long time in coming, because lord knows we tend to live in a society that assumes everyone is a size 2; but if you are an 8/10 like myself, they are just way too big, and that can make a girl very surly.

Sorry for the random post. Thanks for your kind words. I'll be hovering around.

What a long strange trip it's been.....

2005-08-20T09:52:00.000-05:00

We got home last night after leaving on the 2nd. We covered over 5,000 miles eleven states, and two countries (including the US. Canada was the other one). It was a pretty good trip, although our agenda was probably a little too aggressive, and Aidan was very ready to be home and will require much re-training (I"m sure the child development experts would cringe at me referring to training my 2 year old, but too bad I'm tired and want to get this post out so I can check up on all of my friends here)

Here are some of the details. And yes, some of them are gory:

We left Tuesday evening to head up to the in-laws' for the night. About 2 hours into our drive, I started cramping and bleeding heavily. I didn't have access to any pads, so I had to grab one of my son's diapers and had my husband go in back to get me clean underwear and pants (luckily we have leather seats, because I bled on them). We pulled over at the nearest gas station. As soon as I got out of the truck, I felt a huge clot come out. I shuffled into the bathroom and when I pulled my pants down, the clot fell into the toilet. It was the size of my fist, bright red with what looked like some flesh colored areas. I was certain I had miscarried and I threw up and stood there crying for this poor little life that was now in a gas station toilet with puke on it in the middle of fucking Minnesota after coming out into a diaper. What an awful way to come into and go out of the world at the same time. Of course the gas station had no feminine products, so I put another diaper on until we found a 24 hour Wal Mart. I hate Wal Mart, and never thought I would see the day when I would be thrilled to find one open.....

We decided to continue on with the vacation, because there was really nothing else to do. I called my clinic, and they told me to find a place to get a blood test on Friday. Friday morning found us in Spokane, WA where I had a pregnancy test, then headed on to Bellingham, WA to our friends' house for the evening. It was nice to see them, and since I was sure I was no longer pregnant, I had a couple glasses of wine with dinner. Saturday morning we were packing up the cars to head up to Whistler, BC when my cell phone rang. It was my clinic, and I'll be damned if my HCG levels weren't close to 150,000. According to the blood test I was still pregnant! They wanted me to stop for an ultrasound as soon as I could. I will always wonder what came out of me Tuesday night..... All I can think was that it was the second embryo that they transfered that must have started to develop, but didn't make it. I'll have to ask my doctor when I see him Monday.....

Thank goodness the clinic called, because I would have spent the weekend in Whistler drinking and hot tubbing had they not.... When we left on Tuesday, I stopped through Bellingham again for another ultrasound. And there it was - a little peanut on the screen with a little heart beating at 167 bpm.

And so I've been bleeding to different degrees for the remainder of my trip. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Monday and will be very curious to hear what my doctor has to say about all of this. I think it will take me a while to trust this pregnancy. If I find out Monday that the pregnancy is no longer viable, I will not be shocked. I'm really feeling kind of numb to the whole thing.....

At any rate, the rest of the vacation was nice. We saw some amazing countryside and some painfully ugly countryside. We spent our last few days in Madison, WI (my home town) for a Trek bicycle event. Lance Armstrong made an appearance, which was very cool and one of the highlights of the trip.

I'm looking forward to catching up with all of you in the next few days. I'm not looking forward to getting my life back in order. Laundry is in pretty good shape, but there are groceries to buy, things to be put away, and a camper to be cleaned out. Bleck.

Glad to be home!

Big big scare

2005-08-02T11:27:00.000-05:00

(At this point in time this blog does have a happy ending...)

This morning I was making oatmeal for K and Aidan when I had some pretty bad cramping, worse than usual. And my dripping (which is a constant in my life with prometrium suppositories) seemed to be worse. And I just thought to myself "I'm having a miscarriage"

Sure enough, I went into the bathroom and there was bright red blood on my panty liner, and when I sat down, quite a bit of blood came out followed by a decent sized clot. And when I looked at the clot, I could see flesh color in it. It was not just bright red. And there I thought looking at what I was relatively sure was the baby I had just seen on ultrasound yesterday. I ran and got K and we stood in the bathroom and held eachother and sobbed.

I called the clinic, explained what had happened, and they agreed that it sounded like I may have miscarried, and told me to come right in for an ultrasound. So we dropped Aidan off at the bike shop (talk about "other tasks as needed" on a job description - I'm sure most bike shop employees don't think they'll find themselves babysitting.) and went to the clinic, blood clot in hand. It's a very strange feeling to have a zip loc bag in your purse containing what you think are the remains of the child you thought you were going to have. I wouldn't recommend it, but was somewhat relieved the clinic wanted to see it. At any rate, my doctor came in, and found the baby immediately. I hadn't miscarried after all. He thinks it was probably the 2nd embryo, but was sending it on to the lab to find out for sure. '

We leave for our vacation this evening and are going to go ahead with it as planned. We'll be gone for almost three weeks, so I won't get to go back in for an ultrasound until then. My doctor said that at this stage in the pregnancy, there's not a lot you can do to impact it one way or another, so he said to continue on. So, now I guess we just wait and pray that everything continues on and the baby is OK. Its heartbeat was a bit lower today than yesterday, which concerned my doctor a little bit, but like he said at this point if it's going to miscarry, it's going to miscarry.

So now I wait some more. I wanted to send a big thanks out ot the universe for once again kicking me while I'm down.

I have my ultrasound on the 22nd - I'll post more then.

I hope everybody has a happy and healthy 3 weeks while I'm gone.

The peanut....

2005-08-01T12:36:00.000-05:00

One little baby (less than 7 mm) with a heartbeat of 130. It's a bit small, but my doctor seems to think it's just fine.

I'm relieved that all is well, but have to admit I'm a tiny bit disappointed it wasn't twins (I had a dream the other night that at the ultrasound they had twins, which got me to thinking maybe.. ) Grandpa Doctor said "How many were you hoping for?" At the same time that I said 2 my husband said 1. Grandpa Doc said that my husband got his wish, and was smarter than me. (That may sound offensive, but I promise it wasn't in the least - we have a kind of sparring sense of humor together)

It is amazing to be able to see this little thing that will (god willing) some day turn into a real person. And to hear the heart beat makes it even more real (because it does just look like a little blob, so as much as you tell yourself that that is your baby, I have a hard time wrapping my brain around it - the heart beat my brain gets!) There was a new doctor from San Diego who is coming into my clinic, which I'm guessing means Grandpa Doctor is retiring. I didn't want to ask, because I didn't want to be sad. But it will be nice for the clinic to have a woman working there. I wonder if I'll be back there if all goes well with this one, ready to dive into this cesspool to go for #3......

Now I have to figure out where to go for prenatal care. I had a nice talk with one of the nurses there. I think I might end up going to the midwife I used for baby #1 despite all of the hell I went through post-partum. I know what happened to me wasn't her fault, but I do think it could have been handled better. But in the end, I had a great prenatal and delivery experience, and I now know to be a very vocal advocate for myself and will not be afraid to insist on something my gut is telling me I need.....

I'm glad to have this over. Last night all night long I dreamt about this ultrasound and the doctor being late, gone, or our local weather lady......

: )

More on the sister in law

2005-07-27T12:53:00.000-05:00

This topic is probably getting very tiresome. Because the thing is, my SIL doesn't really do anything that warrants my ire... In fact the reason I'm posting today is because she sent me a congratulations card. I can't even figure out why it pisses me off, but it does. It just doesn't come out right - "Can you believe that my SIL sent me a congratulations card??!! What a bitch!"

Makes no sense. And I think that that is part of what drives me crazy is that I can't even entirely put my finger on what drives me crazy. I think it's just that for the most part she pretended nothing was going on the whole time (which in her mind could very well have just been her being polite and figuring that if I wanted to talk about it I would. And lord knows there are people who ask too much about it...) She's just kind of one of those people who goes through all of the motions at all of the right times. (For instance, she never signs anything "Love" which just makes it seem disingenuous. Again an example of how assinine I am for letting nothingness piss me off) She just found out Saturday, and by Wednesday I have a card in the mail. I, on the other hand, would think about sending a card and have every intention of sending one, but would never do it. I think that's another thing that pisses me off about her - she has control over things in her life that I always struggle to control but never quite do... At any rate, I should feel badly for the poor girl to have to have a SIL like me!

In other news, I swear to god I'm showing already! It could just be my imagination, but I really think that people who don't know probably are looking at me wondering..... I'll be glad when Monday rolls around and I've had the ultrasound verifying we have a heartbeat. Maybe then I"ll be less surly about getting those evil congratulations cards......

The sister in law...

2005-07-24T12:38:00.000-05:00

Well. I told her last night. I really didn't want to tell her - I was alone with her on several ocassions when she was pregnant before she told me along with the rest of the group I was in. But we were at their house last night and her mom asked me how I felt. So, I assumed that K's mom had told them and SIL had told her mom. So I figured at that point if I didn't say something I'd look like a total ass. So, when we were alone I said "Well, I guess you've already heard our news..." She said that actually, no she hadn't heard a thing. She had told her mom about our IVF (which was absolutely none of her business, and based on the fact that she's my sister in law's mother, why is she even mentioning it if she does know) and had no clue why her mom asked me that. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. I really wanted to wait to tell her.

I still am not feeling 100% excited about all of this and I don't know why. Hoping that it doesn't mean that all is not well with this pregnancy. Don't know if it's just the hormones continuing to fuck with me in some pre-partum depression kind of thing. Or if I'm just still a bit freaked about all of those 19 embryos that went down the tubes, and wondering if that is an explanation for why we haven't conceived before, and bummed that I won't have any FET chances after this.

I hate to even post about this stuff here. Because I know I am one of the lucky ones who should be feeling nothing but gratefulness and joy. But I haven't been able to shake this feeling for so many days now.....

In other news, the Tour is over. What will I watch on TV for five hours a day now? What an amazing person and an amazing career. I just want to know if his ex wife was there at all or not... And what it must feel like to be the ex wife and get introduced to the new girlffriend who just happens to be Sheryl Crow. And how much does Sheryl Crow work out to look like that - I'm all about buff babes, but I think she's maybe gone over the edge.

One more full week here and then we go on our trip. We're driving up to Whistler, staying there for a few days, then down to Breckenridge, CO for my cousin's wedding, then back to Madison for a bike thing, then home. I'll be on the road from the 2nd to the 19th or 20th. I'm looking forward to getting out of the routine here. Maybe that will get me out of my funk.

Hell in a handbasket.

2005-07-18T13:01:00.000-05:00

That's my house. I've been ignoring it for the past two weeks and it shows. Every time I come in to look at my computer (which is all the time) I just pretend not to see the room I'm sitting in. The den is the worst room in the house. If I look around me right now I will have a panic attack. I have about 3 million syringes, 3 sharps containers (one Tide bottle, one lovely little rectangle one, then a nice big one they just sent that has one thing in it because it did not state clearly that once you close the lid it's closed forever) leftover water that I'm planning on bringing to my clinic to be used for shot class (I'm such a good professional infertile that I actually asked the nurse if she would like me to save them) Keep your eyes peeled here, because one of these days I'll probably be getting rid of some Bravelle and Repronex. I don't have much of either left, but it's something. I'm not quite at a place yet where I'm comfortable enough to give them away, but am hopeful.

I think the hellacious state of our house is starting to get to my husband (that and the fact that we're not supposed to have sex and I haven't obliged him by gratifying him in other ways. Not so nice of me I suppose...). I think these past several weeks he's probably been telling himself that I'm just in a place where I need to do what I need to do to get by. But now I can see him tense up when he walks into the door. It's hard to be the child of a bad housekeeper married to the child of an excellent housekeeper. K lives in constant fear that our house will end up looking like my mom's house. If I don't get my ass in gear, it just may happen... And I really don't have any excuses, unless I can say that I really want to take it easy until August 1 and my ultrasound...

No Tour de France today. It's a little sad - we love to watch the tour morning noon and night around here. Oh well. One less thing to pull my attention away from cleaning my house!

OK. I guess I forgot to post this when I wrote this yesterday. I must have accidentally saved it as a draft, because as is very apparent from reading my blog, I don't do drafts.

My house is minutely better today.

Who needs to swallow a pill

2005-07-15T20:55:00.000-05:00

when you can just shove it up your crotch? Today I called my clinic and told them that I would really like to not have to do the PIO anymore. It hurts more and more each time and I have big calcified lumps in each injection site. And I figure that based on the fact I've carried a pregnancy to term before with progesterone suppositories that I'm safe switching. So instead of the usual wax or cocoa butter (lovely - never has my vagina been so supple, but I don't think they were as effective) suppository bullet thingies, they perscribed Prometrium, an oral progesterone that they have you use as a vaginal suppository. So far it seems just as drippy. I just realized how long it's been since I've lived with that drip, drip, drip - since December!!! I can't believe it's been that long, but I guess going through all of the initial stuff for IVF, then finding out about scarring and having surgery and taking a month to recover from that bites into a girl's reproductive life.

Yesterday I pulled out my little pregnancy journal from my last pregnancy. You know how I talk a lot here about whether or not I should stop eating like a pig? Well, apparently I should have gone with the not eating like a pig option. My waist is currently at the same circumference that it was when I was 15 weeks pregnant last time. Oi! I think part of my issue is that I'm a bit bloated from my hyperstimulated ovaries, so that I feel like I've just finished Thanksgiving dinner most of the time. AT least I'm telling myself that's why I'm bloated. I could be wrong, but I'll just live with the lie. And I honestly don't care about weight gain during pregnancy (in fact people who piss and moan about gaining weight when they're pregnant are one of my biggest pet peeves in this life and I have plenty of pet peeves), but it's a bit of a bummer to start out this far ahead of the game. I'm a bit paranoid that people are going to start asking me if I'm pregnant before I should even be showing and then if I tell them yes that I'm five weeks along I'll really make them embarassed for thinking that I was well into my second trimester....

Please pardon me if I sound like I'm bitching - I don't mean it that way. I know that this is a miniscule burden to bear. I think for some reason I'm just feeling hypersensitive about the lack of privacy of this pregnancy. In addition to my mom and sister (and entire neighborhood and aunt who was at coffee at my mom's house when I called, which means now the entire population of my home town and extended family) I've told at least 4 other people who I probably would not have told at this point along. And as I've posted before, for some reason it just chaps my hide that you really have no choice in the matter. It's either go through IF crap utterly alone with friends and family wondering what the hell is going on in your life to make you a psychopathic recluse, or have everyone know every intimate detail of your reproductive organs, your husbands sperm, and the exact moment of conception. Once you've let people in that far, you really can't just play it cool until 12 weeks comes along.....

Now I'm going to go watch "What Not to Wear " since my husband isn't home to chastise me for my bad taste in television. I love that show. My other guilty pleasure? "Average Joe" The concept of beauty and how it constructs who we are has always fascinated me. I'm sure that all sociology majors who weren't entirely sure why they were majoring in sociology love watching it.......

Random crazy musings

2005-07-13T21:56:00.000-05:00

I'm not quite sure how to say what I want to say in this post....

It's 10:00 on the night that I found out I'm pregnant. And I am so so grateful. I'm so grateful I did this in one cycle of IVF. Before I found this community I felt mighty sorry for myself that I had to move on to IVF at all. But now I am humbled by the fact that this has really come relatively easily to me. And I just want to cry because it is so unfair that anyone has to go through this struggle at all, and that what I went through was my own personal hell, and yet I know I was not plunged nearly as deeply as some of the amazing women I have met here. And it's not fair that the courage and strength of these women can and will continue to go unrewarded. It makes me want to just hit something.

And the part of me that thinks awful thoughts is kind of sad that I am most likely only pregnant with a singleton and I do not have anything left to do an FET after this pregnancy. Since I started on my first bout with infertility back in 2000 (and at that time I had no clue what I was in for) I thought I would have 3 children. It is 5 years later, and I know that I am sooooooo blessed to have one, and potentially a second on the way. And I know I shouldn't think beyond this pregnancy at this point, but I can't help but think about whether I will have the strength to do this again and try to have a 3rd child. And I'll admit my reasons for wanting 3 (beyond the fact that that's the number of kids I grew up with so it feels comfortable, and anything more like that seems like a lot of kids) is completely and perfectly morbid. I just always think of how awful it would be at some point in their lives if one of them died, that the other would have nobody. Isn't that godawful?

And I know as I write this that I am so fortunate to cavalierly (is that a word?) write about this pregnancy as though it will be fine. Because I know it may not be - so many people have felt the joy of that positive beta, only to have their hopes dashed and more months gone by. But I have only gotten pregnant once before this and it all worked out for the best, so I'm just hoping against hope that the same thing happens now.

I don't know how much I'll post now especially after the initial ultrasound, but I'll be around. I can't imagine that anyone cares to hear about my pregnancy - that's not why we're here... But I do know that I will be out here following everyone's stories and hoping, and praying, and crying, and cheering right along with you and leaving my comments that are always way too long.

I don't have a lot of visitors to my blog, but every comment I receive means the world to me and I thank you for your support.

OK. I feel like I just wrote a graduation speech or something. Sorry for the weird post, but it's late (sort of late, anyway) and I'm tired (we're having a string of 90 degree days here, and heat doesn't agree with me. I don't entirely buy into being really tired the first trimester, because I think infertility is sooooo exhausting, that anything you experience with pregnancy is just a continuation of what you've been going through for the past months/years)

the results are in.....

2005-07-13T15:53:00.000-05:00

Beta was 83 Monday, 165 today.

Holy crap it worked!

Ultrasound is scheduled for August 1 right before we leave for vacation.

Praying that all of my other dear friends in blog land get good news too.

I'll write more later.

Hope has entered the building

2005-07-11T10:25:00.000-05:00

thanks to my acupuncturist. She says my pulse is full and slippery unlike its usually spikey (I think that's what she called it) self. Of course she said that my last injectable cycle, but she says this time it's different. So, a tiny part of my is a tiny bit hopeful now. Although this time my method of progesterone intake is different too - shots vs. suppositories, which may very well be the difference she is feeling.

Today is hot and humid and all of my friends are busy. I'm tempted just to put my son in front of the TV while I read today. Reading is the best way to keep my mind off of things during the 2ww. I'm on my 3rd book - "The Prince of Tides". Haven't read it or seen the movie, so I grabbed the book from my parents' house.

I have a call into my clinic to see if swimming is for sure out of the question. The health club I belong to has a zero depth entry pool, so I don't have to be submerged very often, and at this point I don't really get why I can't be in a pool. Right after retrieval I can see their concern about infection, but I would think I'm pretty much healed from that by now. It's not like I want to go off the high dive or anything... I'd just like to keep my kid occupied by some means other than the great indoors or the little blow up pool in my back yard.

tick tock tick tock tick tock. Beta #1 was today. They won't tell me anything until beta #2 on Wednesday.........

just 'cuz you're an egg farmer

2005-07-07T15:25:00.000-05:00

don't assume all of your eggs are Grade AA. I returned from my long 4th of July to a message from the embryologist at my clinic with the bad news that of the 19 remaining embryos left from my retrieval of 41, 24 of which were mature, 21 of which fertilized, 2 of which have already been placed into my uterus, the rest did not develop appropriately and could not be frozen.

fuck.

yes. I know I shouldn't be down because I just might be pregnant at this very moment. But on the 28th when they did the retrieval, my ovaries hurt so badly I could barely walk. When we drove up to the in-laws on the Saturday before the 4th (too lazy to check a calendar for dates or figure it out in my fried brain) I was worried that they might explode from all of the bouncing in the cab of the Ford F350. (My husband drives a monster truck. It's for his camper. I swear we're not rednecks.) It hurt to pee and sit down or stand up, or walk for distances longer than 3 feet. Today, I barely notice any discomfort - I would have to jump from a high distance ( the cab of an F350 for instance) to be reminded. I no longer look like I'm into my 2nd trimester of pregnancy (and if I do it would have to be blamed on my eating habits, not bloating.) So, I'm guessing since all of my OHSS symptoms have gone away that means the hormones are not surging full speed through my body, which means shockingly I'm not pregnant. And I won't get to do any FETs when I thought I'd be doing them for at least the next 4 or 5 months.

The two sisters in law drove me nuts as usual. Definitely not worth going into here. But suffice it to say they are both idiots who suck in their own unique ways.

now I'm going to go and try to find some semblance of a good mood and decide when and if I'll pull out the FRED in my bathroom drawer. Transfer was the Friday before the 4th (the 30th or the 1st or something.) Monday I do a beta and they won't tell me the results. Wednesday I do another beta then they'll tell me the results of both. Evil, huh? Should I test and if so when? Opinions welcome.

Oh, and my sympathies to our friends in the UK. My thoughts are with you (not that you probably want Ms. Gloom and Doom's thoughts....) and hoping that all of you, your families, and friends are well.

The transfer

2005-07-02T07:31:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we transferred two lovely (according to the woman in the lab whose job title I just can't remember) embryos. They were graded a 1 and had seven cells each. (I'm still paranoid that they were lying to me and 1 isn't good, but I'm trying to shut up that little voice!) Yesterday at the clinic I got the distinct sense that everyone knew I was "the girl with 41 eggs". Usually the nurses are plenty friendly there, but I got more direct eye contact and "how are you feeling?" Maybe they're just extra special nice to people on transfer day, but I have a feeling it had more to do with their concern that my ovaries were going to explode all over their nice sterile clinic.

Now for the not so good news that hopefully won't matter - it looks like none of the remaining 22 embryos will be good enough to freeze. I'm not upset about this, but when I think about how shitty I feel with my giant ovaries as I hobble around looking like I'm at least as pregnant as my skinny pregnant SIL, I've gotta say it bums me out a little. Apparently Grandpa Doctor told my husband during the retrieval that when a person gets really overstimulated, the quality of the eggs they retrieve sometimes isn't as good. So, I am super thankful that I got two good ones out of the deal, but a bit bummed that after all of that if this round doesn't work, FET won't even be an option. At first I was annoyed K didn't say something to me sooner, but now that I think about it it's probably better that I sat around naively thinking that there were 24 little cells happily dividing away instead of worrying if there were any at all.

So now it's 7:30 AM. We sent my son up north with K's brother. So why am I awake, when there isn't a two year old around to get me up at the ass crack of dawn? Because I am so friggin' sore from lying on my back all day yesterday!!!!!!!!!!! I guess the next time I go through this, I'll do bed rest on my bed instead of the couch that seems perfectly comfortable when you sit on it to watch TV or movies..... My clinic doesn't require bedrest today, thank goodness. not that I'm actually going to do anything, but I think I'll do a bit more sitting than being flat on my back.

My final thought - yesterday at approximately 11:45 I was pregnant with twins. How fucked up is that? Beta scheduled for Monday July 11, which doesn't seem too far off. Thank goodness we head out of town tonight or tomorrow for a few days so I'll have something to fill the time.

The Scoop...

2005-06-29T07:13:00.000-05:00

41 eggs retrieved (apparently there were a couple dozen he left up there)
28 were mature
Sperm did not process well (I guess the collection condom doesn't do them many favors, and we have issues to begin with)
ICSI done on all 28
24 fertilized
Transfer scheduled for Friday

oh, my aching ovaries. Grandpa Doctor is worried about ovarian hyperstimulation (you think!) so he's not positive that he'll go ahead with the transfer, but my estrogen levels were nice and low (relatively speaking of course!) so I'm pretty sure we'll be going in on Friday. I may not pee comfortably for the next several months. And I don't even want to think about pooping. And it sucks to be my husband, because sex is pretty much out of the question!

First PIO shot was last night and went much better than I expected. I have some little plastic fruits that you can freeze to put in your drinks (or on your son's head when he falls and wants ice) and the strawberry fits perfectly on the target the nurse drew - worked like a charm! K did a great job. Much better than in the class when he took "dart-like motion" way too literally.

Amusing post-op anecdote: The anesthesiologist warned us that I'd have some short-term amnesia when I woke up, and would probably ask over and and over "so. how many eggs did we get?" And I did. And apparently when the lab guy (probably not what he likes to be called considering he's a doctor. Is it andrologist?) Anyway when he came in I told him about a fantastic idea I had called the "Ferticam". You could put a camera on your eggs and get a password to access the eggs and watch them grow online. (Although the more I think about it, it's a really bad idea.) Anyway, I guess I told him about the idea and then like five seconds later I was like, "Oooh! You should have a ferticam" and went through the whole spiel again. Nice crazy lady.

I love, love, love my doctor! There are two of them in the clinic, and I chose to work with Grandpa Doctor, but when it comes IVF time, they go every other week. So last week when I was stimming the other doctor (who came to my clinic from the Mayo which can't be a bad thing) was doing all of the monitoring. So, yesterday was the first time Grandpa doctor saw my charts. I think he was a bit shocked. But he just has the greatest sense of humor, and is kind (he grabbed my little bootied feet and gave them a squeeze, which my old doctor never would have done) and sweet and wonderful. I always bug him about the progesterone deal, and asked if I could switch over to suppositories if I got a positive beta, and I think he'll let me do it. It's nice to have such a good rapport with somebody whose hand is so heavily involved in your destiny!

OK. I think I'll stop blathering for today. Friday might be the next time you hear from me. Unless I Need to vent about my aching ovaries.

quick update

2005-06-27T13:16:00.000-05:00

Retrieval tomorrow. Looks like I may have as many as 30 (gulp) eggs. If this doesn't work, I'll be doing FETs for the next 6 years!!! I'm completely paranoid that I gave myself the trigger wrong, or that my acupuncture session today will screw something up, but I'm trying to remain calm.

My sister comes tonight, so that she can watch Aidan tomorrow. Now I just have to figure out what to do with him for the transfer. I think I'm going to send him to my inlaws with K's cousins who are going to the same area. It would probably be easier to send him with his brother (husband of skinny pregnant SIL) but she hasn't asked me anything about how this process is going, so I don't feel like asking her. Is that just being stupid of me? She probably just feels badly because she's pregnant and I'm infertile so she doesn't know what to say and doesn't say anything at all. But I think that's a totally lame excuse - you can ask me mundane questions like "how are you feeling?" and if I want to expand and discuss with her, I will. She hasn't even done that. Thus, I don't feel like asking her for a favor. Even though I suppose K could just ask his brother since this is his family and his son and potential other child too.

gotta go. it's nap time.

impending depression and self-loathing

2005-06-25T16:00:00.000-05:00

in about a half hour I'm going to go to my cousin-in-law's wife's parent's pool (everybody following me) and guess who else will be there? Skinny, pregnant, sister-in-law.

I am now steeling myself to hate myself for every bite of ice cream I've had this week, the Coke I had this morning, and the chips and salsa that have found their way into almost every lunch. (I just can't bring myself to eat a sandwich lately - I get nauseous at the thought of them) What the hell is wrong with me!!!????? My only saving grace will be the fact that I mentioned over Memorial Day that I would probably be gaining a ton of weight through my IVF cycle. Now I am not stupid enough to think any weight I've gained (which to be honest at most would be a pound or two) has anything to do with drugs. Although it could just be that instead of two little grape-sized ovaries I have grapefruit sized ovaries (they are actually touching eachother, or "kissing" as the nurse put it this morning) - that's got to account for something..... At any rate I'm sure I'm going to have to stop myself from crying or pushing SIL in the pool. But I will be strong. And pretend that I am wearing a skirted tankini only because it is sassy, not because it covers my fat thighs. And really on some level I do think it's sassy, but I think that is just my brain's self-defense mechanism kicking in.

The good news is - I don't have to take my repronex tonight and only 75 whatevers of bravelle tomorrow morning. Hasta la vista repronex. With any luck in a few weeks I"ll be looking to give the stuff away.

the worst blogger in the world

2005-06-24T13:08:00.000-05:00

that's me. This will probably end up being the second post I've done today just like last time. Although this time it might really be the first post. My son turned off the computer while I was in the middle of it, so I think it's just gone with the wind..... He turned off the computer while I was typing a few minutes before he smeared butter all over my clean kitchen floor (OK. It's not clean. It just sounded better that way) and himself. I was at the grocery store and the old sample lady (I wonder if she donated any urine for my Repronex...) said that it must be really hot out because he was sweaty. I said "no. That's just butter." Mother of the year. That's me. It's a wonder they even let me spend thousands of dollars to try and have another.

But in my earlier post, which is floating around somewhere and will show up when this does so I look like any idiot who doesn't know how to blog (which you may have already guessed based on the fact that I haven't even figured out how to link to other blog sites. Tried to figure out the stat counter, but couldn't. If I waste time figuring these things out, then I don't have any time to read what's going on with all of my blog friends.) I talked about my egg farm. I have 2 dozen on my right ovary alone! Lefty is a little slow, I think maybe 10 max there. Now I just have to hope that I don't get hyperstimulated. I think that should give me an added excuse to be even more slothlike than normal. Because if I'm jumping around, or cleaning or something it should just exacerbate things, right?

I've gotta say I never thought I 'd be discussing the pros and cons of having sex today or tomorrow with a nurse. I could do both, but what's the point since it's not going to be used toward anything? Plus, I don't need my giant ovaries to be battered around like speed bags any more than absolutely necessary. a blow job is starting to sound better and better..... Is there such thing as oversharing in blog land?

questions/observations...

2005-06-20T10:31:00.000-05:00

Why do people gain weight with IVF? Is it the drugs, the stress, the inability to really exercise when your ovaries are the size of grapefruits, or all of the above?
I just put an$11,000 (YIKES!) charge on my credit card today. Can you think of things you would rather do with $11,000 (and with my previous $3,000 deposit and the things not covered by all that ching, let's face it we're looking at more like $16k at least) that might lead to a baby (if, of course, you were fertile...)? Maybe put a down payment on a big ol' cadillac that you could have sex in the back seat of.... Or spend a week at a resort that the stars stay at that costs a couple thousand a night...
How many puncture wounds can one's belly sustain before it starts leaking?
Why are they making me do PIO shots instead of suppositories?
Isn't it freaky that they make you shoot old lady pee into you?
Where do they find the post-menopausal women to give them said pee? Is it like donating blood? Or is it like plasma where you can make a few bucks? Is selling urine the post-menopausal woman's equivalent to the college student who needs a quick buck and sells plasma?
Could you get a discount on your drugs if you got some pee from your mom and brought it in?
Have you ever noticed that the amount of time spent in the waiting room is inversely related to the quality of magazines? If there are only crappy magazines available, you will have a long long wait. If there are all sorts of good magazines with intriguing articles, you'll hardly have to wait at all.
Is 19 needles a lot for one day? 15 for acupuncture, 3 shots that I give to myself, and a blood draw. Fun, fun, fun!

let's try again

2005-06-19T21:00:00.000-05:00

OK. I wrote a post earlier today that is gone. Maybe I did something wrong since I was writing it in a huge rush while my child was peeing in our hot tub room and climbing on the counter to steal chocolate-chocolate chip cookies.....

But here was the gist (is that how that word is spelled? I don't know and I'm too lazy to find out.) of the post. Basically I have just found out that a couple of our friends are pregnant. And what bums me out is when somebody who knows about my situation tells me that they're pregnant at the standard twelve weeks. So everybody I've shared my situation with will know the actual date and time that my child was conceived (when and if IVF works) and will be asking me every other day for an update on how things are going, and will know that I'm pregnant the moment that I do basically. And I don't mind telling people early, maybe even more so because if you lose a child after going through this I can only imagine (and am very fortunate in that) that it is an even deeper loss than usual after going through so much to get pregnant in the first place, so the support would be nice either way. Then I get hurt when I find out that one of these people is 15 weeks pregnant. And I understand people not wanting to jump the gun, but when you've shared the most intimate detail of your reproductive life, is it really too much to ask to be let in on their lives a bit earlier than everyone else. bleh

So far shots are going as well as can be expected. The Repronex stings like a son of a bitch going in and I can feel where each of the sites are that I have injected it, but I don't have a rash like they warned I would. My stomach and upper thighs look like a battle ground between the extra ten pounds I'm carrying, bruises from acupuncture, shots, and walking into the corner of a table. I feel like a disgusting sloth. I can't get my eating under control and waver back and forth between being resigned to it and hating myself. What I need to do is just decide one way or another and be at peace with being chunky, or start eating sensibly. I think these drugs make me more sensitive about it, which doesn't help. As a matter of fact I can be a raging hormonal maniac. I'm having a lot of time being patient with my little guy which makes me feel pretty crappy, but god he can push my buttons, and they don't take much pushing these days.

First blood work is tomorrow. Wednesday blood and ultrasound. yeee haw.

A conversation a fertile never has to have...

2005-06-19T11:32:00.000-05:00

Me: "So, you should be ovulating any day now, huh?"
Fertile: "Yeah. We're having tons of sex. I really am having to convince my husband to keep it in the missionary position so that those spermies swim up to where they need to be!"
around two weeks later
Me: "So, you're probably coming up to the time where you find out whether or not you're pregnant, what do you think!?"
Fertile: "Well, I think we had some really good appropriately timed sex, and I just had a really good feeling about it - we came at the same time and everything. It was really beautiful and I think this was it. I'm a few days late already, so I think in the next few days I'll take a pregnancy test."

I just struggle with the fact that people know about our IVF. I'm glad they do, because I find it much less stressful than not talking about it, but I get so sick of everybody in the world getting to know every intimate detail about how my potential baby is being made, while everybody else just gets to have sex in the confines of their own bedroom (or backseat, or elevator, whatever) and then wait the allotted 12 weeks to tell everyone they are pregnant. When you go through this shit and decide to tell people, they will know pretty much the minute you do that you're pregnant and that bugs me.

And then I feel like it's my job to make people understand how much this sucks. Not that I bring it up all the time, but if they ask me I am pretty damn frank about it. Which is weird for me because I usually don't complain about being sick and that kind of stuff. I would rather just gloss it over and not talk about it. But with this, if I gloss it over I really feel like then people will just go smiling on their way and be all excited that I'm doing IVF. I don't think I'm explaining myself very well here, but I just really think people so do not get that this is more than just an inconvenience and I don't want to act all smiley and happy and nonchalant about it, to reinforce their views on it.

The drugs are definitely turning me into a looney toon right now. And here I sit typing on my blog while my two year old just peed in the hot tub room and now has just climbed onto the counter and helped himself to a chocolate chocolate chip cookie. Fantastic. That actually doesn't bug me because I think it's kind of funny and I'm a bit apathetic about those kinds of things (watching TV included) these days. When you finally become a parent and then get to start through the whole process again, IF turns you into a shitty parent in addition to everything else. Mostly my patience is very lacking with my poor baby boy. And he seems to be more into not getting dressed and ready to get out hte door when I need him to. I think he's conspiring with the Lupron, Bravelle, and Repronex (that stuff sucks!) to make me crazy.

And by the way, why didn't they give me any of those nifty pens they have these days? Half the trauma of these stupid shots is the amount of time you have to think about them while you're mixing away. The easiest shot I've done so far was my Repronex last night when I was rushing to get out the door. I was halfway out when "Shit! I forgot my shot!" So I grab my syringes and needles and forget my sharps container, mix everything together, shove the needle in my gut and run out the door with my kitchen table littered with needles, etc. Luckily there wasn't a police raid at my house while I was gone.

OK. I think I've gotten some stuff out of my system, and I have got to run and make sure my kid isn't eating more cookies, and get to Gander Mt to get my hubby a father's day gift and get to the grocery store so that we have soemthing to eat.

I'm back...

2005-06-17T12:07:00.000-05:00

...not that anybody probably noticed that I was gone, but I was.

I went home to Madison to visit my family. The problem with your family living far away is that you miss them terribly all the time, but when you actually get to spend time with them, it usually ends up being too much time. You can't just have dinner and a few drinks and head on your merry way. You're with them 24 hours a day, shoved into a bedroom that's used as a storage room. But despite the time that they drive me somewhat crazy, I had a very nice time. My son got to play with his cousin and spend lots of time with Grandpa while my sister, mom and I scrubbed wallpaper paste off of my parents' bedroom wall, then painted it. I found out that that Woolie faux painting roller thingy actually does work. Yet another successful infomercial prodcut!

My aunt who has leukemia is in the midst of chemo. The poor thing. She has rashes all over her body - they just found out they are caused by an allergic reaction to some of the medication she is on, which is very good news. The whole situation is pretty ugly. I don't know what my mom will do if she loses her sister. She is still getting over the death of her mother about a year and a half ago, so I worry about what will happen if my aunt doesn't make it through this. I have to remember to be very patient with my mom. When I'm on these injectables, my patience just goes down to zero, so I will have to be very good about keeping myself in check.

Today I add my stim shots onto the lupron. So far so good, sort of. My son was being a little monster this morning when I was trying to get him out the door to gymnastics class, and I freaked out. Can the hormones really frazzle your nerves within 2 hours of taking the shot? I don't remember that from my other 4 rounds..... But then my son wasn't quite a terrible two yet at that point. It is amazing the strength of will a 2 year old can have. They can just completely infuriate you. Being 35 you would think that I would have the mental edge and be able to ride through these things with the necessary detachment. But even when I'm not pumping hormones into my body it's hard! They can bring you as close to perfect joy as is humanly possible and just as close to the brink of insanity...

OK. This blog thingy is driving me nuts. I type faster than it does half the time, so I can't see what I'm writing. Have I mentioned that I was the FBLA Region IV Typing Champion my junior year in high school? It's amazing to watch me work. Pretty damn sad when the one thing that I excel at in life is typing. Otherwise I'm thoroughly mediocre. Except at housework. I suck at that. Too bad that's my job, huh?

lupron & shingles, the new chocolate and peanut butter?

2005-06-09T11:23:00.000-05:00

Unfortunatley I think not. There are several reasons a couple undergoing fertility treatment shouldn't have the male counterpart take on shingles while wifey is on drugs.

1. It takes the attention off of me! Not that I need that much attention while giving myself one measley shot a day, but still.....

2. It makes the person who is supposed to be relaxing and getting into a good place for the month to come have to worry about her poor significant other who is in significant pain. And the fact that there's really nothing to be done about it makes it all very frustrating, which can lead to unneeded stress.

3. A person who is in as much pain as someone with shingles is in (I didn't tell my hubby that I read on one website that it was as painful as childbirth) is not in the best mood. A person on lupron is not in the best mood. Put the two people together and when Mr. Shingle is doing something on his blackberry thing when Mrs. Lupron wants the chicken on the grill now, and Mr. Shingles wants to wait just a second things can get ugly when Mrs. Lupron takes the chicken out to the grill one second before Mr. Shingles was going to. You see, apparently, I didn't put the chicken on the grill correctly, so it stuck. Of course I took this to mean that Mr. Shingles thinks I am inept, so I yelled at him something about just wanting to eat. I yelled really loud, which I never ever do. It scared my son. I felt even worse than I had felt for being slighted regarding my putting-chicken-on-the-grill skills. (I can't say for sure whether my nutcase chicken outburst was a direct result of lupron, but it makes me feel better to blame it on the drugs rather than thinking I have that little self control and patience with a person who is currently suffering from chronic pain that apparently is so bad it leads some people to kill themselves.)

At any rate, the next time you start up a cycle and your husband mentions he's thinking about having a shingles outbreak, I would strongly urge you to have him wait.

Stuff that's not a downer

2005-06-06T15:41:00.000-05:00

Will be a crazy month. In addition to IVF, we're starting a remodeling project.

We are knocking a wall out between a laundry room and a hot tub. We're talking a five person hot tub that is right off the master bedroom. We always like to invite other couples back to our hot tub room in the Ladies Man voice from SNL - "Yeah. Leth go back to our hottub and have a little Covathier. Yeah." (Do people know who I'm talking about? Tim Meadows did the skit?) So at any rate, since we really aren't swingers or into the stench of spa chemicals in our bedroom (there isn't a door between the two rooms) we're tearing it out so we have a ginormous (9X20) laundry/mud room. I think it will be my favorite room in the house. (Shit! My two year old is sitting on my lap right now and I was changing something and he had apparently hit the insert key, so I was typing over all of this brilliant prose and said "Oh, Dammit!" and he repeated right after me. Time to watch the potty mouth!) We are also remodling the master bath complete with steam shower and a whirlpool tub (just a one person model). If I had any technological prowess (or time to figure it out, because I spend enough time reading blogs and typing them, that I can't justify ignoring my son any more than I already do) I would dig up some digital pictures of how glorious it is in its current state. Maybe by the time it's done I'll have figured it out and can do before/after shots.

At our clinic they said we shouldn't remodel while we undergo IVF (as an example, not just declaring all remodeling bad I think), but I think it will actually be a welcome distraction. Always best to have something to think about other than your reproductive organs. They will get plenty of attention.

How's this for a post without any downers in it?

The nearest to tragedy I've come today is that my husband was diagnosed with shingles. Isn't that random? It's the chicken pox virus come back to life and is quite painful (and I guess he's not just pissing and moaning because they perscribed him vicodin). But the sick and twisted part of me thinks it'/s kind of funny. (just don't let him know I said that) Who gets shingles???? Apparently my hubby does. Poor guy.

First lupron shot is tomorrow. Bring it on!

Not to quote Depeche Mode.....

2005-06-04T10:45:00.000-05:00

....but I think that God's got a sick sense of humor.

Yesterday I found out that my Aunt (my mom's sister) has leukemia. Her daughter has just passed the two year mark of being clear of lymphoma. What the fuck? Both of them eat well and exercise, don't smoke or drink excessively. Same gooes for my aunt on the other side of the family who had to have a double masectomy about a month ago.

Things like this paired with crack whores having babies make me question how much good making changes to your diet really can do. Or maybe I just use it as an excuse to not change my eating habits, which is probably just another part of the sick twisted nature of the universe - you see things like this happen, so you say "to hell with it" and continue eating processed "white stuff" and diet coke and partially hydrogenated treats, and therefore your body is all screwed up.

"If there's one thing I don't believe in, it's you. Dear God" (XTC) I'm sure if I think really hard I can come up with another Cold War era 80s angst song to quote, but nothing's coming to me just now.

Like Christmas in June

2005-06-02T13:04:00.000-05:00

The FedEx man came a little while ago with my meds. I couldn't believe the size of the box! When I've done injectable cycles in the past, my doctor had me get new meds as needed, so I never saw the sheer volume before (not to mention the fact I have 2-3 times more medication with this cycle) I've got to admit I'm disappointed that I didn't get any of the pens. So, there will be more mixing and needle swapping in my future. That's OK - it feels more like an authentic heroin junky experience this way. I always find that one of the best ways to cope with infertility is to lead an alternate fantasy life that I am a heroin junky.

And today unfortunately I've wasted away the whole morning which I am sure is a fairly common event in a heroin junky's life. I get like this where I get fixated on waiting for a call from the clinic or something like that which by no means prohibits me from doing useful things with my life. So instead of cleaning up my kitchen or playing with my child, I plug him into the TV and go to blog land to immerse myself in infertility. Oh. And today was supposed to be the day that I started fresh with my clean living diet to prepare my body for what is to come. So, I've had a Coke (but not diet!) and chips and salsa, 2 packets of fruit snacks, and the remainder of some brownie fudge ice cream. Disgusting. I hate myself.

And I am especially in need of getting my shit together so that my husband can come home to a relatively peaceful environment. Today he rode his bike into work and witnessed a truck hitting and killing a motorcyclist. It makes me sick to think about it, and I feel so badly for K. The only good thing that came of it was that I'm pretty sure it has cured him of his desire for a motorcycle, which he's been talking an awful lot about lately. I feel so sad that some family started off having a lovely day, and because one careless driver was in a hurry to get on with his job and ran a stoplight a loved one is dead and so many lives are changed forever.

Sorry for this random post. Signing off to get on with my life.

A tale of 2 sisters in law

2005-06-01T23:03:00.000-05:00

Just got back from an extended long weekend, much of which was spent with my in-laws... I know this is petty, but here is the scoop on the two sisters in law who were involved with this weekend:

Number 1 is my husbands sister - 44, divorced with 2 daughters 13 and 15. I feel for her because I know she is afraid she's going to be alone for the rest of her life, but she is just asking for a pregnant teenage daughter. Her latest boyfriend's son had a dirtbike race or something this weekend that she was going to go to. Everyone thought she would be to the lake by Saturday, but she never showed up or called. So her 13 year old was dropped off Friday night by her dad and by Monday when my FIL drove her back to her dad's house she sobbed the whole time in the car because she thought her mom was dead. The 15 year old can drive (dad lives in ND and they drive at 15), so she came on Sunday and left Monday. 13 year old is such a lost little soul. She's always been a bit "spirited" and her mom has no clue how to deal with her, so their conversations tend to go like this "J, get away from me! You're bugging the crap out of me!" "God, Mom! Like, shut up!" Not pretty. The older one is a good kid, or so we all think. But, who knows what she's really up to because her mom is so checked out! UGH! Anyway, it turns out the race went on all weekend (hi, communicate with your boyfriend much?) and nobody had cell phone reception and they were parked in. OK. And I'm sure there were no pay phones on which a person could make a collect call and at the same time she was updating her children on her situation, ask somebody to drive an hour to pick her up. unbelievable.

Number 2 is husband's brother's wife. For those of you who may have read here before, she's the skinny pregnant PITA. (I want to shake her because she doesn't eat. My theory is that after baby #1 she was afraid of not being able to take off the weight, so she stopped eating, and she's continuing that by snacking on dry lucky charms for breakfast and having a hearty lunch of an apple.) She's 16 weeks along, and she's "popped". Popped my ass. You're wearing your fucking size six Gap jeans!!!!! And as anyone who has thighs with a circumfrence bigger than a toothpick knows, a size six at the Gap is really a size two. (Or maybe that's just what I tell myself to feel better.) And now that she's pregnant her boobs which had shrunk after she had a baby and was suddenly a good 15 pounds thinner than she was pre-baby are back. So, not only did I have to contend with the fact that she's pregnant and skinny, she's got boobs which her husband keeps commenting on. "Oooh, sweety, I'm going to suffocate in your boobies." I kid you not. They say these things in front of people. One time we were at our house and had just finished dinner and they're standing in the middle of the living room (after mauling eachother through the entire meal) with the rest of the family gathered around "BIL, you have jibblies and a buddha!" "SIL, I'm glad you just have jibblies." And they do it in the baby talk voices. It was enough to make me vomit even before I was infertile and they were going around getting pregnant after one night of unprotected sex. (I'm relatively certain both times they conceived their first month) So, anyway when she's not being skinny and having sex with her husband in front of the entire extended family, she sits around and does nothing. She looks at time with his family as her vacation (they live on a lake) and does absolutely zero to help out around the house. Even leaves her kid's dirty dishes on the counter. In the 7 or so years that she has been coming there, I think I can count on one hand the number of times she has actually helped out in the kitchen, and more often than not, she comes in, puts food into tupperware containers and leaves. I could go on and on about things that annoy me about her in general and in particular this weekend, but I will end on this note - she had read the Brooke Shields book and was talking about the chapters where Brooke talks about IVF and goes "I had no idea that it that involved!" (or something along those lines) Of course you didn't. It doesn't directly affect you or inconvenience you. I would not be annoyed by this statement coming out of the mouth of 99% of the population, because most people really don't have any reason to know about it. But coming from her, I just wanted to strangle her because she is so self-centered that she doesn't even realize that she is like that!!!!!!!! It is hard for me to understand the animosity I feel toward this woman and I'm really trying not to let myself engage in negative or any feelings toward her because it's an energy suck that's not worth my time. Like right now when it's 11:30 at night, I'm exhuasted and letting myself get worked up!

Time to listen to my own good assvice and disengage.

it's official

2005-05-27T14:06:00.000-05:00

My HSG today went well - no more scarring! I'm getting to be a seasoned pro at the ol' HSG (this was #4). 600 mg ibuprofen and 2 tylenol and it's a walk in the park.

I start lupron on the 7th.

I'm alternating between excitement and complete terror. IUI's are so routine to me that it's a bit bizarre to be heading on to something new. At least I've done the injectables already, so that will just be more of the same. What is getting to me the most is the PIO. Last night I had a minor panic attack and wanted to throw in the towel before I even started. But I'm OK now and know I can get through it. I think it's time to start seeing my acupuncturist again to get through some of the stress. I keep telling myself it's just a few needles - but god those needles can freak a person out - the constant poke, poke, poke just keeps me constantly on edge.

But it's a long weekend now, so I'm going to relax, go up to the inlaws and be lazy and drink heavily, then come back home and be prepared to be a human pin cushion. A very brave one.

gearing up...

2005-05-22T13:54:00.000-05:00

Today I got my period and for the first time in a long long long time I wasn't even sad. Now there's a weird feeling. It actually came exactly the day it was supposed to (today) and in the morning before I had time to start thinking and wondering. And for some odd reason I wasn't carrying around any hope that maybe something had snuck past the goalie. Dont' know if it's because I'm looking toward IVF or what.....

Now I'm alternating between being excited and terrified about the upcoming cycle. Trying to do some meditation (which translates roughly to taking a nap) every day and telling myself I don't fear needles. I've been through 4 cycles of injectables, so the only thing I'm really fearing is the progesterone shot - I really really want to know if the suppositories are just as effective, although I understand there aren't a whole lot of people out there who want to be guinea pigs for experiments which may jeaopardize the success of an IVF cycle.....

HSG #4 is on Friday - hopefully there is no sign of scarring and I'll actually be able to move onto the cycle. Hopefully I won't get bad news, because Friday evening I head up to my in-laws where I'll get to spend a three day weekend with my oh-so-fertile and pregnant (but still skinnier than me) SIL.

I've gotta go. This post is so friggin' boring. It's putting me to sleep! If you're reading this, please accept my apologies. : )

ho ho hormones

2005-05-19T14:27:00.000-05:00

So I've been taking estrogen for the past three weeks (to help heal my uterus post-asherman's surgery) and last Saturday got to add a little progesterone into the mix. My RE said I shouldn't have any problems with the estrogen, but the progesterone might throw me for a loop.

I was really thinking that my body had been bombarded by so much progesterone for the past several years that I was fine. I never have issues with the suppositories (unless you count drip, drip drip as an issue) so I figured the oral stuff should be the same. But I figured wrong. I have turned into a blubbery mess. And not in a really bad way, I guess. Not like a clomid moment when you come out of the grocery store, get in your car and sob hysterically because the conveyor belt sucked up all of your coupons and the check out lady isn't very sympathetic to you. (not that I've ever done that) I'm empathetically blubbery (maybe I should think of a word other than blubbery - this post is not about my fat, which I'm trying to work on and have actually been doing a decent job with I must say). Anyway, I cry at Sylvan Learning Center ads for the love of god. And a friend of mine was telling me about a wedding she went to this weekend where the bride's mother was dying of cancer and couldn't attend. She ended up dying as the ceremony was ending and that moment happened to be the one moment that day when the sun came out, then on the way to see her there was a rainbow! I will admit that I am a fairly emotional person by nature and would have teared up, but I was full-on crying when she told it to me and had to stop telling the story to my husband because I couldn't talk.

Ridiculous!

And speaking of ridiculous - my clinic just calls me and says "You wrote down that your HSG is scheduled for the 27th, right?" No. It's scheduled for the 26th and don't pretend like it's scheduled for the 27th, because obviously you know you gave me the wrong date or you would have just said "I'm calling to confirm your HSG on the 27th" and not called assuming I wrote down the wrong date! Maybe it's not that ridiculous, but I'll bitch about it anyway just because I can. But I probably shouldn't bitch, because can you really think of a much better way to start the Memorial Day weekend than with a nice shot of dye up your uterus? Really, i
t's got everything - wearing a hospital gown walking down the hall feeling like your ass is hanging out, a speculum, cramping, and post-procedural drip!

pictures....

2005-05-11T19:55:00.000-05:00

I was just looking at some old pictures circa my first infertility experience. It was a strange feeling - like looking at all of these shards of disappointment that have just become a part of me. And even though that part of my life eventually resulted in a beautiful son, everything just kind of came rushing back...

There was the picture from my friend Tracie's baby shower. I didn't remember how great it was to see my highschool girlfriends after who knows how much time. I remembered that it was one of those months where I really thought this was it; and that my friend Molly was also pregnant; and there was a woman who brought her obnoxious children; and of course I got my period at the shower. Was there a tampon to be found anywhere in the house? Nope. And I couldn't bring myself to ask, becasue I knew if I did that I would completely lose it. Nothing quite like being on the brink of a nervous breakdown worried that the wad of bloody toilet paper you've shoved in your underwear is going to fall out of your pant leg!

And the trip to Cancun that we took not because we were dying to go to Cancun, but because we waited until we found out whether or not I was pregnant (and of course I wasn't) and booked a flight out two days later. It was the cheapest and easiest trip to go on at the time. And it was actually a good time - one of those "at least" times. At least I'm sitting on a beach sipping a margarita...(At least I can drink at the 4th of July, New Years, this wedding, on and on and on)

And Christmas when we had a surprise shower for my little sister because that was the only time we could get the whole fam damily together at once. And that feeling of the plastered on smile with gritted teeth when all I wanted to do was scream "this should be my shower! i'm the oldest! i had been trying for a year and a half when she got pregnant on accident!"

And of course the pictures my husband took on a mountain biking trip with his buddy. A trip that he took right when I was ovulating. A wasted month and a month filled with as much anger as I have ever felt toward that man. God, I was pissed. And out of it he learned not to be quite such a dumbass (usually). And I learned that despite the fact that he is an extremely intelligent man who I know loves me very much, if I say "I don't care" about something he believes me. So I try so hard to tell him exactly how I feel, even though it makes me so mad sometimes that he just doesn't know for God's sake. And I think that he's figuring it out and knows that it's his responsibility to make sure that his son has a role model so that he can grow up to figure this stuff out intuitively instead of learning it the hard way like my husband has. (My in-laws are just not emotional people and there are times when it is so glaringly apparent that my husband was not raised in an environment where there were outward signs of affection.)

Snapshots of my life with my usual grin hiding so much pain. And when I looked at those pictures I remembered the pain, but all I could think was how interesting it was that these photographs didn't mark memories for me as much as they marked disappointments. So many many months of disappointment, one month of joy (I know that I am so fortunate not to have dealt with miscarriages, etc. - the one time I actually got pregnant I stayed that way)

Here's looking forward to another month of joy.

June 28

2005-05-10T14:40:00.000-05:00

is my tentative retrieval date! Yippy Skippy! Somebody will have to remind me of how excited I am about this when I am sticking myself with needles three times a day in a few weeks.

But, for now I am happy because it's forward motion and not waiting until August. I love Grandpa Doctor.

OK. Here is my ethical dilemma - he is doing a research study because he feels that progesterone shots are given for too long. He thinks that instead of six weeks of the shots, most people will be just fine with 11 days. I volunteered for the study because, to be quite honest, the sounds of an i.m. shot for six weeks sounds like hell to me, especially since I have carried my only pregnancy to term with only the aid of some drippy progesterone suppositories. Of course, we have to be randomly assigned to groups and I got assigned to the six week group. I am tempted to drop out of the study and just do the 11 days of shots. I feel very comfortable with the shorter protocol because when I asked him what he would tell me to do if I were his daughter, he said he would tell me to skip the study and just do the 11 days. My only reservation with dropping out of the study is the fact that it is completely self-centered and will not serve the needs of infertilitykind. In most instances, I would say screw the greater good, but this whole process is just so heinous and if I can help make it less heinous for those who come after me (or myself at some later point, I guess) then I feel badly not doing everything I can.

But I'm scared! I started crying when my husband gave me the practice shot because he took "dart-like motion" a bit too literally. I get ill thinking about it even though I've done 4 months of injectables already. And if it was a subcutaneous shot I wouldn't care. Heck, I would be happy to stick a suppository in my crotch 3 or 4 times a day and drip drip drip the 2ww away rather than have that evil-sounding oil shot.

I'm a wimp.

Slow motion

2005-05-05T22:41:00.000-05:00

That's me right now. I'm feeling down with no real reason for feeling down...

My RE (everybody has names for theirs - I think mine should be known as Grandpa Dr. because he's a lovely older gentleman who always wears bowties, and is sweet and funny, and my neighbor the OB calls him the Grandfather of Reproductive Endocrinology in the Twin Cities) told me I wouldn't be able to start IVF until the August cycle. Then Wednesday, a nurse leaves a message asking me to call her to get my protocol and I"m all excited because I'm guessing this means they're letting me start in June. So I return her call on Wednesday about an hour after she left a message, and now it's Thursday night and I haven't heard back from her. What the hell? I hate it when people who work in the infertility world think they can take their sweet old time returning phone calls!!!! Because even calls that aren't a big deal are a big deal when it means that you are figuring out what your life will look like in the next several months!!!

We're leaving town tomorrow for a camping trip in our new camper. (Gotta figure out how to post links. This past fall my husband had a midlife crisis and decided we needed a camper "The Lance" that goes in the bed of a pickup truck. So we ended up with a camper and a new Ford F350 (aka monster truck). Anybody want to buy a very nice used GMC Sierra Denali pickup that's not big enough to hold a camper in its bed?

At any rate, it's 10:50 pm and I haven't done squat to get ready for this trip. Discovering blog land has not done anything for my already lacking housekeeping skills. And when I get in a funk I tend to lurk around the blogs because it makes me feel less alone. But at the same time my heart starts aching for all of these women out there who are battling through their own personal hells. And that tends to intensify any feelings of anger I have toward insensitive fertile people who have not called me to check and see how my surgery went (mostly my sister in law) because they are so completely clueless just how deeply this experience can cut into a person's soul. And I just want to start printing out these beautiful, eloquent expressions of pain and the humor that we have to find in that pain in order to survive it; and start handing them out to people so that they know that this isn't just a minor inconvenience in my life that this is my hell and no I'm not overreacting.

So then I find myself at 10:56 pm thinking how I have to go upstairs and put away the clothes I folded three days ago and start to pack for my trip tomorrow. And I worry about the fact that my posts are too long and I never proofread, and am a mediocre writer at best, so that tonight I'll think of what I should have said in this post that would make me sound less pathetic (as if what I'm saying now doesn't sound like the most pathetic thing ever...).

I think I'll stop now. I suppose I could have just written - I feel sad and I have no real reason to feel sad, which makes me feel sadly frustrated.

Funny dream...

2005-05-02T14:53:00.000-05:00

Last night I dreamt that my husband was out with his friend when I got a phone call. It was some chick looking for my husband. So then I called him to figure out what was going on and realized that he had slept with this chick who called and Paris Hilton. Needless to say I was super pissed.

So, I had all of these high school friends over and took a pregnancy test, which was positive. Needless to say (?) I was furious. Obviously I had gotten pregnant because he slept with Paris Hilton, as I just had a hsyteroscopy to remove scarring in my uterus and have a tube hanging out of my crotch, so we couldn't have had sex! (you think the old headache excuse is good - a tube hanging out of your vagina works even better!) So, my husband comes home early from his little trip or wherever he was, and I'm walking down the street with him just yelling at him for sleeping with Paris Hilton, and now what are we going to do that we're having her baby.

There was a part in there when I was between waking and sleep that I was trying to figure out how the hell I was pregnant with Paris Hilton's baby due to the fact that my husband had slept with her, but I don't think I was spending too much time questioning it.

I think the dream was a combination of Desperate Housewives, and the fact that I was pissed at my husband for pretending that he had ordered a motorcycle....

: )

Planaticism

2005-05-01T16:57:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I become painfully aware that I am a very planatic person.

Today my brother's fiance called and asked me to be a bridesmaid. And being the dork that I am, I get totally psyched. After all, I'm 35, so I just figured I was over the hill and would never get the opportunity to let somebody dress me in something that may or may not be completely hideous and humiliating again. So I start looking online for dresses and planning on being the sassy mom bridesmaid - the one that people in the congregation are whispering about... (this is of course a dream sequence, as I always plan to have a perfect body by certain events and it never really happens, but a girl can dream...)

And then reality comes and smacks me in the head. My doctor wants me to start my 1st IVF cycle in August. If it were to actually work, that would have me due in May, so even if I hadn't given birth yet, I wouldn't be able to travel 4 hours to a wedding! So now I'm freaking out because I really really want to get into the June cycle. But I don't know if they'll let me because I just had surgery for my Asherman's Syndrome. (I've got to say that I like being able to whip that term around - it just sounds so dire... I could add it into my dream sequence above "look at how great tania looks in her bridesmaid dress - i just don't know how she does it with a toddler and the Asherman's sydrome... It's just inspirational really") So now I"m sitting here obsessing about whether he'll even consider putting me into the June cycle or if it's a lost cause. Do you think he would mind it if I gave him a ring at home on a Sunday afternoon? I mean my fate as a bridesmaid is potentially in his hands and I'm sure that he'll want to know as soon as possible the awesome responsibility he's dealing with.

But, I guess I'll just wait until Friday when I have my appointment to have the balloon pulled out of my uterus. I've gotta say I'm not going to miss having a tube hang out of my crotch. It's just not all that it's cut out to be. And in the end I'll have to wait until late May when I have my HSG (can a girl ever have enough HSG's? This will be my fourth.) to determine if surgery was successful and the scar tissue is gone. Or maybe he'll say absolutely not regardless of how smooth and supple my uterus is.

So, all I want is to be pregnant, and yet now I'm all worried that I will be pregnant and miss my brother's wedding and probably my last chance in life to be a bridesmaid! Must stop worrying about things that are not in my control and go with the flow...

Happy May 1st from Minnesota - it is simultaneously sunny and snowing right now. For most of the day it's been going back and forth - one minute it's a lovely sunny day, the next minute there is a small scale blizzard. Nothing that's going to stick, but give me a break already!

waffling

2005-04-29T14:19:00.000-05:00

So, I just had surgery for my Asherman's Syndrome (scarring of the uterus left over from a retained placenta I had when I gave birth to my son. Of course, my first doctor missed this, so the last year and then some that we've been trying to conceive have been a waste of time.)

Anyway, I now have a tube hanging out of my crotch (attached to a balloon inside my uterus that they'll remove in a week)and about 3 months ahead of me until we can start IVF.

So I am now left to ponder the question of whether I should try to get skinny, or just say to hell with it and keep on eating.

The Skinny argument:
* I'll probably be much happier if I'm thin
* Since I know I won't be pregnant this summer, I could go out and buy a bunch of new clothes
* My SIL who got super skinny after having a child is now pregnant again, so I could at least be skinnier than her this summer.
* There is the possibility that eating healthy will give me a better chance of conceiving (which I have difficulty buying into entirely. Once crack whores stop getting pregnant I might believe it, but last time I checked your average crack whore wasn't eating wheat germ, flax, and wild African yams as a part of her daily caloric intake...)

The To Hell With It argment:
* Food just tastes good
* I won't have to have additional stress added to my already stressful life by worrying whether I'm eating too much
* From my understanding of IVF and experience with injectables and infertility to date, it's probably impossible to stay skinny anyway, so why get my body used to one state, just to push it into another in a few months?
* Margaritas, beer, wine....

These are the thoughts that I am struggling with today. I'm totally lame.

100 things about me

2005-04-25T22:48:00.000-05:00

OK. Here is an introduction to me. It seems that this is the easiest way to introduce oneself to the bloggin world, so I'll see if I can find 100 interesting things about myself to share.....

1. I have a 2 year old son.
2. He can bring me as close to perfect joy as a person can get.
3. He cnan also bring me as close to the brink of insanity as a person can get - all rolled up into one neat little package that bears a striking resemblance to me.
4. My husband (and technically, I) owns a bike shop. (pedal bikes)
5. I haven't ridden my bike much for a long long time...
6. For the most part I am a happy person
7. For being a happy person, I don't laugh much, but when I really really get laughing, my stomach will hurt the next day from it.
8. I live in Minnesota, but I'm from Wisconsin
9. I miss home.
10. I am the oldest in my family. I have a younger sister and brother
11. My mom likes to quilt and make baskets and stamp cards. I have zero skill (and not a whole lot of interest) in these areas
12. I do wonder what I will do when my son (and any future children I will hopefully have) need a costume at the last minute and I am not able to whip something up like my mom always could do.
13. I grew up in a neighborhood with 5 girls my age. I probably wouldn't have ever been friends with them if we hadn't grown up together, but they have probably influenced who I am as much as my family to some extent.
14. When I was growin up, all of my grandparents were alive with the exception of my mom's dad who died when she was in high school.
15. Now it's just my grandpa.
16. Sometimes I miss my Grandma and Grammie
17. I talk to them more than I talk to God.
18. My son isn't baptized yet because we haven't found a church
19. Sometimes I wonder if we're being punished because of it, but not really. If God is out there and is that arbitrary, I don't want any part of his gig anyway.
20. I love to read so much so that I have to hold myself back from starting books because once I start, I can't put the book down and neglect things like my son, laundry, and making dinner.
21. I'm not too picky about what I read. Two of my favorites are "Conferederates in the Attic" and "The Red Tent"
22. My favorite movie is "The Enchanted April"
23. I was on the sailing team in college. It was one of the best times of my life, driving around the country in a van with a bunch of my pals, meeting people from all over the place and partying like the drunken idiots we were.
24. I have a picture with myself, my husband, and Lance Armstrong.
25. I have raced a 40+ mile mountain bike race on the back of a tandem with my husband - one time I finished the race and had open sores on my ass.
26. I really want to have twins because I"ve always wanted 3 kids and don't think I can go through the crap that is my reproductive life a third time. My husband does not want twins.
27. My husband is from northern Minnesota. His parents love to talk about how when they got married, they lived on the farm with no electricity, no running water, no phone, and no car for my mother in law. They are now quite wealthy, so they have reason to be proud of where they came from. But so help me god, I am so fricking sick of hearing about it every single time I see them, I just want to cover my ears, close my eyes, and go "la la la" every time they start on it!!!
28. My sister is a teacher and has a little girl who is a year older then my son (yes, she accidentally got pregnant a year and a half into my first bout with infertility) She is going to start trying again soon, so once again she'll be pregnant before me despite the fact that I"ve been trying for over a year. I don't think it will be as hard for me this time around.
29. My little brother just got engaged. He's a bit of a weird kid, so we're all kind of relieved that he's landed someone good and is actually going to get married.
30. I love to watch my son play when he isn't aware that I'm watching. It is the most beautiful thing I"ve ever seen.
31. I never would have considered a boob job until after I had a baby. Fertility is mother nature's cruelest joke. deflating and sagging your boobs once you've finally had a baby is her second cruelest joke. It would be nicer if she would have made them the same or maybe a little bigger instead...
32. I am terrified that my son will be a brat. So parenting is really getting tough now. I used to always think that as long as I was loving him the best I could, everything would be fine. Now it feels like crunch time.
33. My biggest dream in life is to find a pair of jeans that actually fits me. If it fits through the legs, the waist is HUGE. And when I look at myself, I really don't think I'm that disproportionate.
34. I lost my pregnancy weight in a couple of weeks. However, I've put on about 15 pounds since then.
35. I eat when I'm bored. I get saturated with salty, then I have to balance it out with sweet, adn the cycle goes on and on.
36. I'm not a very good housekeeper. I just can't get my shit together with this whole stay-at-home mom thing.
37. I don't mind making dinner, but I hate deciding what to make. I keep meaning to have a menu for each week, but I never do it.
38. There is no better feeling than driving my car without my son - ahhhhh freedom and a blasting radio...
39. I've never felt that I truly fit in anywhere. I have lots of friends, but not a specific group, just a random hodge podge. When people come to parties at our house, they always comment on the interesting group.
40. I am the type of person who a conservative person thinks is a liberal, and a liberal person thinks is a liberal leaning toward the conservative side.
41. I almost always vote Democrat, largely because of issues like choice, which I feel really shouldn't be part of why I have to vote a certain way.
42. I tend to think with my heart and with my emotions and am terrible at debating, because I can't always put words to why I feel what I feel about something.
43. I can't stand people who lean too far left or too far right, as they are always closed-minded.
44. I believe in all things in moderation. Except chips and salsa.
45. I wonder if I will ever be able to control myself when it comes to the above. I keep soul searching to determine what emotional wound I am trying to heal when I keep eating and eating, or if it's just boredom.
46. One time I thought I had mono for a whole year. It turns out I was just bored. (Wayne's World quote thrown in for good measure)
47. My family is very loud and we tend to sing a lot. It's always funny when new significant other comes to a holiday - they get a bit freaked out by us.
48. I have a cousin who played a lead role on Broadway for many years until she decided she needed to stay home with her girls.
49. My Uncle Tom lived to be 104.
50. My grandmothers both had very hard lives. One was given up by her mother when she was little because it was the depression and she was unable to care for her children. The other went to 27 different schools all over the country because her dad had "the wanderlust" (and he beat her mom). She put herself and her sister through college. I've always wondered how I would earn my stripes, as I had never faced the challenges they had. How would my character be formed? Yeah - God is up there laughing right now. "Somebody down there wants a character-building experience in her life? Send down a good dose of infertility. Wait. Make it two - let's let her get pregnant, then just when she thinks she's got it figured out, let's make her second attempt a big confuculation too. Sweet."
51. I love the song "May the Wind Take Your Troubles Away" by Son Volt.
52.I am a mix of German, English, Scotch Irish, and Cherokee. (You can't tell the Cherokee part by looking at me and it's very diluted, but when my son dances he looks like he should be doing so around a fire, so I think the spirit lives within him)
53. My husband is 100% Norwegian
54. I love Diet Coke, but think I shouldn't drink it because of fertility. I'm at a place in my life right now where I have one a day anyway. Today is my last day of doing that. (I've said that before, but this time I"m trying to mean it. No more DC until I'm done bearing children)
55. Infertility has made me a more cynical person.
56. Infertility has made me a more empathetic person.
57. I was an academic advisor before I quit working. I don't know if I'd go back and do it again when I start working again. I don't know what I would do.
58. I've never been a career-oriented person who loves my job, but I've always wanted to find something I love to do. I dont' know if there's anything out there that will push my buttons in the working world.
59. When I went through infertility the first time, I used visualization. I had a tape made visualizing every step of the process. I'm debating whether or not to have another one made for this time around.
60. I did hypnobirthing when I went through labor. It sort of worked. (but that's another story for another day.) I would like to think I could try it again.
61. I am doing acupuncture right now. But I'm on a break because I won't start IVF until August and it gets a bit pricey.
62. I wish I could be in the Olympics. If I won a gold medal, I would belt out the national anthem with all of my heart and soul. I love it when people do that, and am disappointed in them and lose some respect for them when they don't.
63. My childhood heroes were Nancy Drew and Trixie Belden. I think I"ve always been a bit disappointed in my life because it's' not exactly like a book. And I think I've always strived to be plucky like the main characters but have never quite achieved that.
64. I have always hated all of my clothes. I want to go on "What Not to Wear" and get a new wardrobe and have Nick Orozio (or however you spell his name) and Carmindy make me look fabulous so I can be the sassy mom I've always wanted to be.
65. I've never colored my hair. I have dark blond hair with a natural white highlight right at the front of my part. I never trust a hair dresser who doesn't ask me about it. I think if I didn't have that I would color my hair.
66. I love Costco.
67. I love the seasons. I think I would get sad if I lived somewhere without them. Nothing quite beats the joy that comes with the first warm day of spring, a glorious summer night, a crisp fall day surrounded by beautiful leaves, or the first snow falll, with the cold air biting at your face reminding you you're alive.
68. But damn does a beach look good round about February when you're looking at piles of brown snow.
69. I went to the University of Wisconsin. One of my favorite places in the world is the Union Terrace. It sits right on the lake, and you can sit out there drinking beer, listening to a band, watching the world go by, and you know that it just doesn't get any better. (If I knew anything about blogging I would put a link here)
70. On my honeymoon we went to France and visited a friend who was going to grad school there. We went to a party at an old mill house during the village festival. It was a toga party, and we had willow leaf crowns and stood on the bridge over the river by the millwheel and watched fireworks. Amazing.
71. We have also been to Norway. We tracked down some of my husbands relatives and stayed with them.
72. Went to Cancun once because I needed a vacation, but was hoping against hope I'd get pregnant and wouldn't want to be anywhere too exotic. So, when I wasn't pregnant, we scheduled a trip for two days later and that was the cheapest, easiest place to get to on short notice. Cheesy, but fun.
73. For the most part I need to have a plan when I travel. Otherwise my husband and I spend the whole trip going "what do you want to do? I don't know...." it can get ugly, so it's easier to have a plan.
74. ONe time I was on MTV with Nelson (the band with the twin brothers with long flowing blond manes) They were guest VJ's at the University. I was supposed to have sailing practice and they were there, so we skipped practice and got on TV.
75. I was on the cover of Sailing World Magazine once. We were sailing in a regatta in Chicago on Thanksgiving weekend. brrrrrrrrr.....
76. I was on the cover of the student newspaper in college playing mountain bike polo.
77. I was on the news in New Orleans. We were there for Collegiate Sailing Nationals, and they happened to be filming JFK. The guy I sailed with told the news crew that we had driven all the way from WI to see Kevin Costner.
78. I think those are all of my media experiences to date...
79. If I don't know where something should go, I would rather leave it out in the middle of the room until I figure out what to do with it than shove it into a closet somewhere. I like things to make sense.
80. My husband hates clutter and likes to shove things places where they are never found again. So sometimes we drive eachother nuts.
81. We decided we were meant for eachother when we went camping in the Boundary Waters one summer and took a "short cut" that was really an impassable river. After climbing beaver dams, and walking our canoe through rapids, we decided if we were both stupid enough to try it and survived it, we deserved eachother.
82. My favorite weather is shorts and sweatshirts weather. (although now my legs are chunky so I'm a bit partial to capris.)
83. I only gained 17 pounds when I was pregnant. I didn't feel sick, but for once in my life nothing tasted good to me.
84. I hate running. I've tried liking it, and I like working out in general, but I just have never been able to like it.
85. I love yoga, but I haven't done it in forever.
86. I actually like aqua aerobics which surprised me. I never would have tried it if I hadn't been going through fertility stuff. I love that all of the women in the class are kind and don't judge. It's the one place at the gym where you don't feel the need to compare yourself to others. (and where I'm guaranteed not to be the fattest and most out-of-shape. but i swear that's not why I really like it.)
87. I like margaritas
88. I like beer. In the summertime I love a Weis beer with a lemon. mmmmmm.....
89. I am a decent cook, but not great.
90. Kind of like everything else I do, except typing. In high school I was the FBLA (future business leaders of America) Region IV Typing Champion.
91. My house is a mess right now and my parents will be here in a couple of hours. I don't really care that it's a mess when they come, because my mom is an even crappier housekeeper than I am, so I can always know that my house is not as messy as hers.
92. My mother in law is an excellent housekeeper. I care more about how my house looks when she comes, but I probably don't care as much as I should.
93. Sometimes I can see in my husband's eyes that he is terrified I will turn into my mother.
94. One time he wanted me to do something that was very much something that Ward Cleaver would tell June to do, or his dad would tell his mom to do. His parents names' are Don and Ila, and I told him that I would not play Ila to his Don. I thought it was pretty fucking funny. I don't think he was quite as amused, but he knows where I stand with that crap.
95. I never went to prom. It still bugs me to this day. Sometimes I think about it and I want to cry. People always say that it's not a big deal and it sucked anyway, but before they say that they always say "You didn't go to prom!!!?????" You just can't get that back. Won't it suck for my son when I announce that I"m going to be a chaperone for his dance and get a sassy prom dress to wear?
96. I like to camp.
97. I like to stay in hotels
98. I like scalding hot showers
99. I like baths, but only short ones, because it gives me the jeebs to sit and sweat in a pool of my own filth.
100. One time my son told me I was pretty and it about broke my heart.

whew! that is an interesting exercise to say the least. I hadn't really given myself much thought lately. Now I'll start thinking of things that I should have put in and if I proof read it, I'll shudder at what I did put in, so I'll leave it as is.

Wasted...

2005-04-15T13:18:00.000-05:00

I just found out that one year of my life has been wasted
I am emotionally wasted
I am physically wasted
I just want to go out and get wasted

Just got back from my HSG. My previous doc had done one way back in December '03 before I started on my 2nd fertility journey. Thought maybe he saw a little something, but not anything to worry about.

After a year of IUI's I have moved onto an RE for IVF. He wanted a closer look based on the notes about my previous HSG, and since the films had gotten lost (of course) we had to do another.

So, today there sat my poor uterus and half of it was very obviously all scarred up. (From a D&C I had to have because of a retained placenta that caused a raging infection)

Part of me needs to be happy because this means that they know what's going on and why I seem to be more infertile this time than last, and it's something that is apparently easy to fix and probably means we won't need to do IVF.

But part of me is just pissed that this should have been caught by a doctor I trusted and liked and would have saved me a year of heartache and human pincushionness.

And to make things more interesting, in May my insurance changes, which means I may have to go back to Dr. #1 because that particular company makes you see him for everything up to IVF. I don't know how I'll face him, or trust him, or what I would say to him. But I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Now I just need to hope that my son decides to take a nap despite the fact that he just fell asleep in the car. That or I'll have to turn to Nemo and the Wiggles to babysit him while I veg on the couch.

New here....

2005-04-13T22:11:00.000-05:00

And debated whether to even do it, because as usual I'm thinking I'm not going to be in this game long enough to even bother. Like I've done before when thinking about joining Resolve, or deciding not to buy any new summer clothes for about four summers of my life...

I don't know if anyone will read this or not - I just stumbled upon the world of blogging a couple of days ago and was relieved to find some kindred spirits, so at the very least, I guess I'll be venting to myself.

A brief history - I have a two year old son who is the result of:

2.5 years of trying (diagnosed luteral phase defect, dh mediocre morphology, sluggish swimmers)
7 IUI's
3 with clomid
Got pregnant on last-ditch IUI 2 days after a lap, when I was signed up for IVF intake

Had my son and everybody told me about all of the people they knew who had so much trouble conceiving their first, then got pregnant without even trying for the 2nd. Thanks, but that won't be me. One midwife even told me when I was 7 months pregnant that I should be thinking about birth control. I just about smacked her.

When my son was 8 months old (Nov '03) went back to my old Doc thinking that by starting aggressively I should be pregnant by the time my son was 2. thus far:

HSG Dec '03 (had retained placenta - looking for scar tissue, saw a little something, but didn't think it was a big deal)
9 IUI's Jan '04-Dec '04
5 months clomid, 4 months injectables
got my final period on Christmas Eve - merry fucking christmas.
Completed intake process for IVF and placed my down payment
scheduled for another HSG Friday because my RE wanted to see the films, but of course they are lost.
Will know Friday (or so they say) when I"ll start IVF, guessing late May/early June

That's my story. I never thought I'd be at this point the second time around. I wasn't naive enough to think I'd actually get pregnant by having sex or anything, but I figured superovulate me, give me the old turkey baster, and we'd be good to go.

So last weekend we had a bunch of people over for my hubby's birthday, and my pain in the ass sil with the perfect life isn't drinking. That means one thing and one thing only. She has a daughter 4 months younger than my son. Thank God. Because if she had gotten pregnant before me the first time around, it literally would have put me over the edge and I would probably still be institutionalized to this day because of it. I don't think I'll ever be totally happy about the fact that my children will have cousins the same age (note the remaining optimism in thinking that I actually will conceive and have a child within a few months of her) since my kids should be older than hers, but I'm dealing with it. Now I'm just bracing myself for my fertile sister to get pregnant her first month trying and dh's cousin's wife to do the same.

Hope that wasn't too long for my first blog...