It's a boy!

Sorry I haven't posted in so long.... I started a couple of posts and never ended up publishing them, but now I have some real news, so here it is:

Ethan Henry was born on March 26 at 10:19 pm. He weighed in at 6 lbs 5 oz (I make 'em small) and 19.5 inches long. The delivery went very well - I was only in active labor for about a half hour.

However, as with my first, the placenta did not want to leave my body. Unlike with my first, they took me to a proper OR and did a DNC on the spot instead of keeping me in the delivery room and cutting it out of me while I was fully conscious save for a dose of nubane (your basic narcotic - does nothing for the pain just gives you that lovely sensation of being on crack). Anyway, the procedure to remove my placenta with baby #1 resulted in Asherman's (scarring of the uterus) which wasn't detected until I switched to an RE for IVF after undergoing 9 IUIs. In a couple of weeks when I have my 6 week postpartum check, I will be sure to ask about when they can take a look to make sure that I am Ashermans-free ... AT this point I would say that I want a third, but I don't think I'll be willing to take the process as far as I did for this one (The Deuce as my husband calls him). Last time around I thought that there was no way in hell I would get pregnant on my own. This time I think it's more likely that I will simply because I would probably not be able to handle three and soembody in the universe enjoys messing with me.

At any rate, the new baby is such a good baby. I only wish I could say the same for his big brother, who is not having the easiest time adjusting to his dethroning. But it is getting slowly better.....

Having two definitely keeps me busier, or maybe I should say it forces me to stay on task more than I did before. Therefore I do not have a lot of computer time, but I will be here to keep track of people and send all of my best out to my friends here in blogland. I feel so fortunate to be in the situation I'm in now and wish there was something I could do to help people who are out there struggling through the crap. Please know that my thoughts are always with all of you, even if I'm not checking up as often as I would like.

MIA

Long time no post.....

I've been keeping my distance from blogland for awhile now for various and sundry reasons. My grandpa passed away. My sister was pregnant and has miscarried (it was very long and drawn-out with inconclusive betas, and ultrasounds based on the fact that they weren't sure of date of conception...). We had 5 people staying with us over Thanksgiving. We had to buy faucets (sounds like a simple concept, I know, but it's really not). And now Christmas shopping is upon us. So the usual day-to-day has been in the way, but I'm also struggling with how much I will continue in this world of blogging. In terms of my own blog the pregnancy is going just fine and I really don't have a lot to write about. When I'm suffering from post-infertility-stress-disorder I think posting about it can be counterproductive for me, causing me to dwell on the negative more than I should.....

I think my biggest problem is that with things like blogging and reading and television-watching. I have a bad tendency to get sucked in, causing other parts of my life to suffer. Now if I were working, this probably wouldn't be a problem. As it is, I tend to neglect my son or husband or house or all of the above. Once I get started here, I just keep reading and reading. I get totally engrossed and before I know it an hour or two has passed and I've wasted away half my day.

So, I'm feeling guilty that I haven't been visiting my blogging friends as much as I should and that I am not taking the time to "meet" bloggers with whom I'm not familiar. And I feel guilty that I'm not making the time for it, but I don't know where to fit it in. I have a child who doesn't nap much and am feeling a bit disconnected from my husband and I'm also a bit of a lazy ass who likes to lay on the couch and watch TV. All of this leaves me with not enough time to spend catching up with folks. I am trying to peek at peoples' blogs, but the list I read regularly is limited, and seems to be growing smaller.

But I think of everyone often, and cheer when I read good news and cry when I read bad news, and then feel more guilt when I realize I've missed weeks of checking up. And there are just times when I can't bring myself to make the emotional journey which again adds to the mound of guilt I seem to pile on myself. When I read the disappointments that people encounter, I get very upset and feel survivor's guilt of a sort I guess, and there are times when I just can't make myself go there.

I only wish I was a more eloquent writer than I am. I know I'm not adequately expressing anything that I've attempted to say here. I guess what I want to say is that if you don't see me come around very often, it's not because I don't care and am just blissfully off rubbing my belly and decorating my nursery having forgotten what it took me to get here and the unfairness that so many others are still trudging through their respective hellish journeys. And it sounds selfish to say that I don't have the time or the emotional energy to invest right now, but I guess that is what it comes down to.

I will be around - not as often as I would like, but I'll be out there. And when I'm not there, know that I am thinking of you and hoping that the end of your journey is a happy and peaceful one. (Geeze. Now I sound like I'm dying or something.)

I should really go back and proof read this, but I know it will only make me crazy and not publish it, and then it will be another month before I write anything, so I'm just letting it go as it is.

At any rate - Merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone.
Take good care!

The circle of life....

My Grandpa is dying. He will be 90 in February, so he's led a long, full life, but it's still hard for him to take despite the fact that I think there have been many days when he has felt ready. I think when it finally comes down to it, and somebody tells you you have 2-8 weeks to live it's hard to accept. He seems fine now, but his kidneys are failing and I think when they really start to fail, he will go downhill quickly. He is my last grandparent - I am so fortunate to be 35 years old and still have any living grandparents.....

And in other news, my sister is pregnant. I've written about her before and my insane worries about not wanting her to join the sisterhood of infertility for both all of the right and the wrong reasons. I'm happy they don't have to go through any more than they have. 2 months of clomid and sex isn't half bad. Going any further would have been very difficult financially for them, and they have a daughter who is already 3.5, so I think she was worried that the children would be farther apart in age than she would have liked.

That is it for this boring post. My mom and sister arrive tonight for a weekend of shopping and eating out. My husband leaves tomorrow for a week of mountain biking with his pals.

I want a vacation!

Stop the insanity

Really. Please make it go away. Let my mind believe what my rational brain is telling it.

We are having friends over tonight. Specifically K's best friend from childhood and his wife. They have a little boy exactly a year younger than ours who is an IUI with injectables baby. She has always had irregular cycles and was 35 when they started trying, so jumped right into the game last time around and after 1 or 2 cancelled cycles got pregnant, thus making her one of the few real-life friends I have who has been through IF. So I was talking to her when I found out I was pregnant and saying that it kind of sucked to have to tell everybody in the world that we were pregnant the moment when we found out, when those very same people gave me their news at the standard 12 weeks. I told her how much it really hurt me even though I realized everybody had the right to divulge when they felt it was best. So about a month ago K was walking in the door talking on his phone, and as he signed off he said "Congratulations!" He got off the phone and I demanded to know who was pregnant - and lo and behold it was them. And not only were they pregnant, they were only two weeks behind us and were currently 12 weeks pregnant. So, my irrational insane self is really kind of upset with them - when she called to talk to me, she said that they found out a few days before we were going on our vacation and wanted to wait to tell us in person. Well by the time he finally told K over the phone it was a month after our 3 week vacation had ended. So I am hurt and pissed with a nice helping of jealousy thrown in because after she had her baby and stopped breast feeding her cycles came back nice and regularly so they did it the old fashioned way. It's been bugging me ever since and I'm writing about it now because they're coming to the house and I'm dreading it. WE haven't talked to the m a lot lately anyway, but it feels like since we found out their news, it's been even less frequent. So I am glad they are coming over, because it would be a really stupid reason to lose a best friend, but K and I both have a bitter taste in our mouths about it.

And on my second incidence of fertility related insanity, I find myself praying really really hard that my sister is pregnant. You may think "that's not insane. it's sisterly love." Here's where the insanity comes in - this is her 2nd month on clomid and sex. She was perscribed clomid because her cycles had become irregular and they weren't sure if she was ovulating or not (although she hadn't charted until about a month and a half ago, so it's hard to say). This bothers me for two reasons - 1. I'm relatively certain she'll get pregnant with twins as I wrote about in a previous post and 2. It occurs to me that she is now part of the infertile statistic. This bugs me becuase you see that statistic and think that all of these people have gone through what you've gone through when in her case (if she does get pregnant after 2 months of clomid and sex) she has gone through nothing close to what a true infertile's experience with IF is. And (here's where I get good and insane) I don't want her to share infertility with me. Partly for the right reason that I really don't wish this experience upon anyone, but also because it is my issue. I don't know why I am selfishly guarding the infertility experience and not wanting to share the glamorous limelight of it all. I just can't figure out why I want it to only be my cross to bear. But I do know that I want her to get pregnant right away so that she is not a part of the club.

Yes. I am certifiable. And I want it to go away.

I have what I have tried so hard for. I have what so many people have tried and are still trying so hard and harder for. I should only be grateful. Instead I am just plain out of my gourd.

Sorry for the once again pissing and moaning post from the lucky infertile who cannot quite come to terms with things and deal with this whole thing in a manner that is even close to resembling graceful or brave or heroic. I just suck.

Episode 2

I'm a loser. It's 10:30 on a Friday night and I'm typing a post about a stupid TV show.

This episode didn't bug me as much as the last one. I still think the show will fail because the story lines can be a bit confusing if you miss anything. (I missed the first 20 minutes of episode 1 and haven't quite figured out what the law suit was about.) And I would think if you know nothing about IF, you could get even more lost and probably wouldn't give a rip in the first place unless you know somebody who is going through it, but even then I can't say that people will be that interested.

I still don't get exactly why the chick swapped out the sperm sample other than the fact she was pissed at the doctor. Did she intentionally choose the pastor for a reason? Is her hope to then destroy his career while she destroys someone's life? And it wasn't very nice or sensitive for the doctor to threaten the couple who was suing them by saying that their failed sex life would be flaunted all over the court room. Thanks for the reminder to all of us infertiles that we have failed sex lives. Appreciate it.

I find Angie Harmon supremely annoying. I don't know if it's the actual character she plays, or because she's always doing shoots for magazines when she's seven months pregnant and looks like she's in her first trimester if pregnant at all. then last night she's on the Tonight Show in a slinky dress all proud of her skinny-ass self. bleh.

Alfre Woodard (sp?) sure made the right choice. Best to get killed off by a BMW with no air bag on Inconceivable before it gets cancelled and move onto the sure thing that is Desperate Housewives.

Head is full of mucus (i don't htink that's spelled right either - I have a terrible cold which isn't allowing me to think very well as it has moved into my brain) so I was watching the show in kind of a blur. Maybe that's why I feel fairly emotionless about it. (Although of course the last 3 minutes of Three Wishes made me cry like a baby. I hate things like that. Not that I hate that they're doing wonderful things for people who deserve it. I'm just such a sap, something like that can just destroy me.)

OK. Done rambling. gotta go find some more crappy TV to watch while my husband is on an airplane where he can't chastise me for having bad taste in TV.

Going insane

(for the 1.5 people who read my blog, this one will mostly be about my toddler, so if you're not in the mood to read about other people's children, feel free to move on. I'm just in such a state right now I need to get it out.)

My husband is out of town. And I think my 2.5 year old can sense this. He is making me even crazier than I already am. I am at my wit's end. He has napped one day this week. This kid still needs his nap. He has always gone to bed very well, but lately he wants each story read at least 3 times. He insists on being put down in our bed (when we go to bed, we then carry him into his room so that's not the end of the world, but I still think it's a bad habit for him to be in). He comes down about 57 times because he's afraid of monsters (bullshit. the kid fears nothing.) or wants me to find his pink color, or he's lost this that or the other thing. He also plays this stupid game where anytime it's time to do anything - change a diaper, get ready to leave, go upstairs, he thinks it's hysterical to run around like a mad man laughing so that I'll chase him.

I literally don't know what to do. My biggest fear in life is that I will have a bratty child. I try so hard to be consistent and everything else I learn about good parenting, but he tests and tests and tests and tests and invariably I end up screaming at him and running out of the room. I hate to say this, but I understand why people hit their kids.

And he's not all bad. He can be the sweetest kid in the world. He's so funny and so empathetic, and so creative. But then he turns a switch and he's just a monster.

I have gotten myself so worked up tonight that my stomach hurts and I'm worried something's going to happen to the baby.

I really need to spend some time by myself. I really wish I could have a drink right now. I really wish my bathroom remodel was done so I could take a (not too hot) whirlpool.

Now I'm going to go lose myself in the wonderful world of television.

How many people....

....go into your RE's office to meet with your RE to find out beta results?

....after having gone through countless failed cycles get a good feeling that "this is the one" so you buy a stuffed animal for the baby you may or may not be pregnant with before you go meet with your RE who is going to tell you the results of your beta?

....have dropped off a sperm sample that stays in the incubator (with about 20 other samples) overnight?

....have collected a sperm sample by giving your partner a blowjob and spitting the whole shooting match into the specimen container. (granted, in her situation desperate times called for desperate measures apparently) (and you know damn well that specimen will go on to produce at least a singleton after soaking in saliva overnight.)

....have seen one of said sterile specimen containers filled close to halfway with semen?

....watched "inconceivable" last night and had their worst fears about the show confirmed?

I missed the first 20 minutes, so I was kind of lost on a couple of the story lines, so maybe if I would have seen if from the beginning I would have thought it was fantastic. But somehow I doubt it. Here's hoping for early cancellation.